On Complex PTSD, Part VI

Saturday, October 18, 2014

This last week has been a very difficult week.  I was sick for much of the week with what seems to be a very bad respiratory infection.  Despite diligent self-care it seemed whatever I fell ill with was determined to malinger much like a guest who has long ago overstayed his welcome.

If there is something positive to be found in this last week I suppose it would be the fact that my recent illness makes it easier to acknowledge the fact that I could identify with the sixth of six phenomena that may be construed to be indicators of something called ‘Complex PTSD’.  I began writing about these criteria this past Monday.  The sixth criteria (all six can be found here at this webpage) relates to what is called an individual’s ‘system of meanings’.  People who have suffered extensive trauma may struggle with persistent feelings of hopelessness and despair.  Maintaining a faith in the potential for a healthy and rewarding future life may prove very difficult for individuals impacted by severe trauma.

It was a few months after I first entered therapy in June, 2013 that I began to notice I was increasingly developing deeper insight into myself.  During a class offered through Pathways Health Crisis Resource Center I had the unexpected experience of gaining sharp clarity as to why being around a lot of illness can easily distress me.  I later wrote about it in a blog entry which can be found here.  What I essentially appreciated on that day approximately one year ago was the significant toll that being around so much illness and dysfunction had taken on me.  I speak here specifically of the illness and dysfunction I was exposed to (and unable to escape) while a child.

Children are indeed impressionable beings.  Frequently exposing children to illness, domestic violence, chaos and the like can unfortunately result in serious long-term consequences.  Last month I profiled the work of Canadian physician Gabor Mate.  From what I know of his own professional work I believe I can correctly assert that he places a strong emphasis on the primacy of childhood development in the future trajectory of people’s lives (in other words their prospects for health, success, happiness and the like) once they reach adulthood.

My own illness this last week made me once again aware of the deep wound within me that resulted from being an immediate witness (and in some cases unwitting recipient) of so much illness, violence, deceit and stoicism as a kid.  When children are regularly immersed in stressful circumstances for an extended period of time I believe it quite possible that they may later go on to develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  And in cases of severe trauma I believe it quite possible that they could exhibit what Dr. Judith Herman might be inclined to describe as ‘Complex PTSD’.

When I sit still and survey my own interior life I can sense the deep sorrow I felt throughout protracted periods of my childhood.  It is a very sad thing when a child experiences despair long before he learns the word itself.  Despair is something that can be borne of any number of unfortunate experiences.  Witnessing your own parents engaged in a highly dysfunctional relationship that ultimately ends in divorce is but one way that a child can come to feel deeply traumatized.  Witnessing a parent descend into the abyss of serious mental illness (and being all the while completely unable to do anything about it) is another means by which a child can be traumatized.  I, unfortunately, experienced both of these scenarios.  And I experienced both of them before the age of nine.

As time has passed and I have continued the journey of therapy over the course of sixteen months I have excavated some very deep feelings and thoughts I had as a kid.  I can now recall how I genuinely did not believe I would live to the age of nine years of age.   This is a very unfortunate thought for any child to ever think.  Such thoughts, held and reinforced over a long period of time, can ultimately cause significant harm to a person’s worldview later in life.  It would thus not be surprising that some highly traumatized people would feel almost haunted by despair.

Throughout my own life I too often felt as if I had to fight for my very survival.  More recently I have begun to feel I am beginning to finally transcend the deep harm done to my psyche by what I endured in my earliest years of life.  My recovery has been a prize I have worked very diligently to achieve.  And now, sixteen months after the voyage began, I can confidently say I am beginning to reap the rewards of my diligence.

And yet the deeper harm of extensive trauma can be difficult to ascertain.  We can unfortunately unconsciously carry attitudes about our own selves and the world around with us long after they are no longer suitable to the lives we are living.  In the last week it has been very easy for one of my core beliefs about the world at large to surface.  That belief can be expressed as follows: ‘People are unreliable’.

This belief is a huge overgeneralization that could cause me immense harm if I continue to carry it around with me the remainder of my life.  I sense that I first created this thought as a child at a time when I was almost completely unconscious of what I was doing.  Now, decades later, it does not serve me to harbor this thought as I go about living my life.  If I held this thought to be really true each and every day of my life I would find it very difficult to engage in the world as a social being.  If it were really true that all people are always and everywhere unreliable then what would inspire me to get out of bed in the morning and meet and engage with other human beings?  The simple answer is that I wouldn’t!

The bottom line is that healing is sometimes a laborious process that demands much of us.  Healing deep trauma is not for the faint of heart.  I have learned this throughout my own life journey.

My life is so much better than it was sixteen months ago.  I am finally beginning to calm down and truly believe I can still manifest the grandest dreams of my life.  The journey to realizing my dreams might not always be easy.  But one choice I can make to pave my path is to refuse to engage in black and white (also known as all or nothing) thinking.  There will inevitably be days and even weeks, months and, yes, even years when nothing goes very well.  This is not surprising.  But to cease to try is to not even allow yourself to really live.

Do I, on this day, feel a deep despair or hopelessness inside my being? I can thankfully say I do not.  Do I feel weary and frustrated recently?  Yes I do.  But I will not give up.  I have labored too diligently to stop short now.  I believe I can still have a rewarding life full of good health, love, prosperity and professional success.

If you are reading this and you believe someone you love has been (or is being affected by) affected by a traumatic event I encourage you to educate yourself on the behavioral signs of trauma and reach out in a gesture of support.  Sometimes just one person can make a huge difference in the life of another individual.

Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #23

• I completed writing this segment on the topic of Complex PTSD
• I did my best to be patient with the time needed to recovery from a bad respiratory infection