Monday, December 8, 2014
Yesterday I had a moment in which I felt some immense dismay. I had just arrived home. In a moment of frustration I threw my keys down. I inadvertently punctured my water bottle. And the bottle wasn't even made of plastic.
A short time later in the day I found myself reflecting on that brief moment of immense irritation. I behaved in a way almost identical to how my father once did when I was a kid. I still vividly recall him becoming so upset with me that he threw his keys down. The keys punctured the kitchen floor. I recounted that incident in a recent session with my therapist. I remember speaking about how I wished that I could have left the kitchen (and our entire house) after that incident. I do not remember how old I was at the time. I do remember already feeling quite exhausted with my father's temper. By the time I turned ten years old I had already become a cynical and mistrusting boy. No boy should have to endure that.
Eighteen months have nearly passed since I began going to therapy again. I feel like a much better version of my former self. And I wasn't exactly a highly dysfunctional person before June, 2013. I was a productive member of society who gave of my talents based in my belief that generosity and kindness should mark how I live my life. Moments like my brief outburst of immense irritation yesterday remind me that the work of undoing the harm caused by the 'severely stressed parenting' I experienced can be quite a process. When I find myself responding in a way that is literally identical to something my father once did I feel inclined to take a step back, pause, breathe and ask myself what I can do differently. How can I be in the world in a way not at all like the most dysfunctional aspects of my father's way of living in the world?
Frightening outbursts of anger and rage are something I bore painful witness to more times than I can count when I was a kid. My father and one of my uncles had a capacity for truly dysfunctional, off-putting behavior when they became extremely stressed. It's my desire to create a new way of living that doesn't feature such reactivity.
As I have noted elsewhere in my blog living in a different way is easier said than done. But I believe it is possible to change and move forward. The task is to remain loyal to those sometimes surprisingly simple things we can do each day to chart a new direction for our lives.
Yesterday I had a moment in which I felt some immense dismay. I had just arrived home. In a moment of frustration I threw my keys down. I inadvertently punctured my water bottle. And the bottle wasn't even made of plastic.
A short time later in the day I found myself reflecting on that brief moment of immense irritation. I behaved in a way almost identical to how my father once did when I was a kid. I still vividly recall him becoming so upset with me that he threw his keys down. The keys punctured the kitchen floor. I recounted that incident in a recent session with my therapist. I remember speaking about how I wished that I could have left the kitchen (and our entire house) after that incident. I do not remember how old I was at the time. I do remember already feeling quite exhausted with my father's temper. By the time I turned ten years old I had already become a cynical and mistrusting boy. No boy should have to endure that.
Eighteen months have nearly passed since I began going to therapy again. I feel like a much better version of my former self. And I wasn't exactly a highly dysfunctional person before June, 2013. I was a productive member of society who gave of my talents based in my belief that generosity and kindness should mark how I live my life. Moments like my brief outburst of immense irritation yesterday remind me that the work of undoing the harm caused by the 'severely stressed parenting' I experienced can be quite a process. When I find myself responding in a way that is literally identical to something my father once did I feel inclined to take a step back, pause, breathe and ask myself what I can do differently. How can I be in the world in a way not at all like the most dysfunctional aspects of my father's way of living in the world?
Frightening outbursts of anger and rage are something I bore painful witness to more times than I can count when I was a kid. My father and one of my uncles had a capacity for truly dysfunctional, off-putting behavior when they became extremely stressed. It's my desire to create a new way of living that doesn't feature such reactivity.
As I have noted elsewhere in my blog living in a different way is easier said than done. But I believe it is possible to change and move forward. The task is to remain loyal to those sometimes surprisingly simple things we can do each day to chart a new direction for our lives.
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