Stop Going to the Dry Well

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

So it’s been nine months since I returned to that wondrous world known as personal therapy.  I am immensely better now.  Indeed, I am finally able to work and am no longer haunted by distressing memories to the point that they distract me from being able to function in a healthy way for the long periods of time that are necessary when a person works full time.

I am still (apparently) nowhere near the reality I want to eventually be living.  This is quite a journey I am on.  I am grateful for the helpers I have assembled into my care team.  Who knows how long I will need to completely heal.  It could be years yet before I feel I have come into my own.  I bloomed quite early under the pressure of horrific trauma I had no power to escape.  I had to imitate an adult when I was a child; this was an undue burden.  And though the nature of the grief I feel is changing it remains with me nonetheless.  I sense that grief, like many profound experiences in a human life, responds differently to the different seasons in the cycle of the year.

It will turn cold again next week but it is safe to say that Minnesota’s version of Spring has finally begun.  Our monochromatic palette has lost one of the primary colors featured in winter.  White is now sparse.  I keep my eyes open for the beautiful color green.  During my Workforce training session this morning I spoke about my interest in research.  I think it would be fascinating to do a study looking at the impact of the color green on human mood.  Short days and cold weather certainly contribute to Seasonal Affective Disorder but I wonder how much of the malaise people feel in the winter may be attributable to the change in the colors they experience each day.  When you are deprived of greenery what begins to happen inside your psyche?  Do you become more prone to depression and sadness?  I am intrigued.

Now back to my analogy of the well.  I am finally breaking the insane pattern (namely doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results) of expecting my father to be an emotionally healthy man.  I have never been able to go to my father with my grief and expect a healthy response from him.  So even though my father has not physically died I am mourning nonetheless.  He cannot offer me some of the most essential aspects a person needs in a parent.  And so I must grieve not only the fact that he cannot be available to me in a way I need but that I spent so much time trying to get a different response from him.  It’s time for me to unlock myself from the grief I have carried around for more than three decades.  Disposing of more than three decades of long held grief is not exactly a quick process.  I still have no idea when it will end.  But I have to believe it will end one day.  I just wonder who I will be when that day comes.  How old will I be?  What will my life look like when that day arrives?  Will I still be relatively young?

I am pleased to say that I am enjoying my position at the Allina Health Hospice Foundation.  I began my position last Monday.  Fundraising and public relations work is something I heartily enjoy when I am able to work with other talented, professional, passionate people.  But when public relations is done poorly I just want to scream.  Heartless people have no place doing work in the sphere of public relations.  I believe public relations takes more heart than it does mind.

At present part time work is so much more suitable for me than full time work.  It’s simply going to take me a bit of time to become adjusted to being required to get up at a reasonable hour and be productive for an organization.  I think it a true generalization that the longer you are not gainfully employed the more challenging it can be to become accustomed to that realm once again.

I most enjoy the outreach aspect of my work.  Inspiring people to contribute their money, services and time to a worthy cause has long been something I enjoy.  And yet so often I find myself become bored with my work in the long term.  If I am not challenged in a consistent way I inevitably wish to move on to something else.  Some might interpret apparent job hopping as a reflection of having some sort of attention deficit disorder.  It’s an understandable conclusion.  And yet in my case it would be an erroneous conclusion to make.

I wish I could find some way to work through the grief I feel in a faster way.  Maybe I am just an impatient American.  Maybe I just want my freedom from an un-chosen past right this moment!  Whatever my reasons I wish this process did not feel so wearisome.

At least the trees will be blooming out soon.


Five Things I Am Grateful For

Insight
My voice
A supervisor who appreciates me
Stamina
Joy