Old References To Trauma

Sunday, April 6, 2014


As I play the detective game of more fully reconstructing my earlier life history it is interesting to notice that I have used the word trauma in my writings on more than one occasion before I began this blog last  July.  It thus follows I had thought of and written about the issue of trauma before I was formally diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder last June.  If one aspect of last summer that was so troubling to me is the fact that I received a different diagnosis (namely one that includes the word 'trauma') as compared to what I received when I did therapy previously (typically I was diagnosed with depression) then why would it have been so troubling to receive a diagnosis under a different term if I myself had used the term trauma in my earlier writing?  To put it more concisely I am still a bit baffled by the confluence of events last summer that led to the unfortunate drama that ensued.  Why did I become that sick and that angry?

Here is a journal entry from October, 2009 that demonstrates I used the word 'trauma' previously:

Friday, October 2, 2009

I realize from the techniques I have been practicing in my policy analysis class that perhaps I can apply some of those same analytical skills to the central question of my identity in relationship to my German heritage.

I feel the need to resolve what for me has been a longstanding sense of alienation.  This alienation, I feel, is a consequence of the circumstances of my very early childhood.  Though I am not a citizen of the nation of Germany I nonetheless feel a deep unity with the German people.  I am a German man, and even if I did not grow to maturity in the nation itself, this is nonetheless true.  Laws, while necessary for the operation of a civil society, do not always provide equity or fairness.  Such has been my experience with the citizenship laws of Germany as they pertain to me.

Of the many goals I wish to accomplish in my life, my goal of coming to peace regarding this past trauma is a significant one.  It would be one of the greatest sources of sadness for me if I were to die prematurely and not see myself fulfill this dream.  There are many other dreams and hopes in my heart; fulfilling this one is one of the most important to me.

When I more deeply peruse my journal writings from years past it is quite clear much of the wisdom I needed to follow was already within me.  I simply needed to follow the wisdom I already had.

It is also interesting to review some of the astrological transits which I was aware would be appearing in  coming years (as seen from the perspective of my life in 2009).  Here was an especially informative description of the long-term Pluto transit I am still experiencing now here in 2014:

This transit produces very intense experiences in your emotional and personal life, and it will test your innermost psychological workings.  You may be forced to dig down deeper inside yourself than you have ever done before to get the answers you need at this time.

On the psychological level, this transit dredges up past behavior patterns that may be quite inadequate for the present…Deep psychological changes are taking place that should not be ignored or swept under the rug.  Instead, you should understand them.

You may find that considerable tension builds up between you and those closest to you, and there may be some very emotional confrontations.  Your closest familial relationships are most subject to the kind of emotional power games described earlier; avoid these games, because they can be especially destructive in a family situation, where your most primordial energies are tapped.  Parents are particularly likely to be the source of such conflict.

I see in this description a good source of wisdom regarding my relationship with my father in particular and with my father's family in general.  I basically ought to leave well enough alone and not reach out to him at all.  I have no desire to engage in power games.  I will find healthy ways to utilize my energy.


Tomorrow I will begin a week-long part-time training at the North Minneapolis Workforce Center.  I look forward to the resources I will find in this experience.  The quality of my life is continuing to improve!


Five Things I Am Grateful For

The record of my earlier life that allows me to play detective
Love
Knowing when to say 'No'
The healing power of honesty
My health insurance