Saturday, October 31, 2015

What *Is* Poverty?

Saturday, October 31, 2015


"We have historically understood poverty as moral failure. And, in fact, we have an entire sort of architecture of language we use to talk about this, the culture of poverty, the notion that there is something inherent in individuals that leads them to be poor, some sort of moral, emotional, intellectual failing, or some sort of collective culture that is born and bred in poor communities, in which we pass poverty around almost as if it's some sort of disease."

- Stephen Pimpare in an interview on Democracy Now


Yesterday was a special day. I attended an event on the University of Minnesota campus to commemorate the fiftieth anniversary of the AmeriCorps program. I currently work for a non-profit organization focused on providing skills development for homeless youth here in the Twin Cities. It can be very demanding work. But I am enjoying it nonetheless.

During the commemoration of the AmeriCorps program I was introduced to Stephen Pimpare through a video presentation that offers thirteen lessons regarding our collective understanding of poverty. I found many of the lessons presented in the video to be spot on. I am going to specifically write a bit about two lessons contained in the video. These are the third and seventh lessons presented in the video. The particular issues examined in these lessons are that "childhood poverty is toxic" and "persistent poverty is a disability problem."

In the third lesson Pimpare notes that poverty "is exceedingly stressful...especially for children." Put succinctly children who are at a disadvantage in their earliest years are more likely to struggle with significant challenges over the duration of their lives. It thus follows that any successful strategy to alleviate and eradicate poverty must address childhood development and how a society takes care of its children. In lesson seven a quote from Shawn Fremstad notes that "disability is both a fundamental cause and consequence of poverty." A person's ability to work (as well as the skills they can offer in the labor market) is thus also a significant predictor of risk for poverty.

While I found Pimpare's presentation quite compelling I still find it rather problematic that poverty is so often equated with monetary deprivation. In my mind poverty is so much more than a lack of money and the subsequent consequences of having little money. There are many more important factors that contribute to a good life. Consider what makes for a good childhood.

It's obvious that children need the same things that any other human beings need. They need food, shelter and clothing. But they also need consistency in their relationships. They need caregivers and other people they can rely upon to provide them not just material sufficiency but also the more intangible nurture we speak of when we use words such as love, care, friendship and so on. When children grow up in a world defined by chaos, confusion, insufficiency and violence the stress of such circumstances can (and often does) have serious consequences. Pimpare notes that such stress exacts physiological consequences...among other things. Indeed, stress can create an enormous toll. To appreciate the impact of stress I encourage any of my dear readers to read from the resources of post-trauma coach Michele Rosenthal. A cursory review of her videos and other resources will further substantiate Pimpare's emphasis on the physiological consequences of stress.

So in the spirit of speaking about what poverty "looks like" I offer my own list of what poverty tangibly can look and feel like:


Poverty is:


  • Not knowing if your mother or father will have a reliable income because job opportunities in the local community are inconsistent.
  • Not having a reliable source of clean water because a local plant polluted your water source and was not held accountable for its conduct.
  • Not feeling you can trust the people who serve in your community's police department.
  • Wondering if you will get a welfare benefit you rely upon in a timely way because your local county office is understaffed.
  • Having your father serving in the military overseas and not knowing when (or if) he will return home safely.
  • Living in a culture where the predominant media distracts the populace from pressing issues rather than contributes to a healthy discourse about those issues.
  • Having no viable work options in your community that pay you a living wage.
  • Being victimized by the policies put in place due to the undue power of special interest groups (the many members of said groups apparently think their own rights are more important than yours).
  • Having no promising options to repay your student loans.
  • Being a student in a school system that pays insufficient attention to issues such as bullying, gang violence and drug abuse.
  • Having no real time to spend with those you love...because you are too busy working to make a living.
  • Living with a disability and having insufficient support to provide for your most basic needs on a daily basis.



These are just a few of the realities I think of when I think of poverty. Of the "looks" of poverty I noted above I can identify several that I have personally experienced.

I personally feel quite good today. I have had the leisure to actually sit and write out my thoughts here in my blog. I have been able to get some chores done and not feel rushed! I have eaten healthy food and not felt rushed as I prepared it. I have also enjoyed an atmosphere of calm and serenity. Many people living in violent neighborhoods both throughout America as well as abroad would feel quite fortunate to have a completely quiet day not punctuated by gunfire.






Thursday, October 29, 2015

All These Terrible Things...That Never Happened

Thursday, October 29, 2015


Over the years I have gradually come to a deeper and deeper appreciation of how little our mind's can actually know. We can take classes, obtain academic degrees, spend years of our lives in the pursuit of researching very specialized subjects and yet still fail to accurately anticipate what people we know will do tomorrow.

Early life conditioning seems to have a significant bearing on the patterns of thought that may fill our own minds. If we are subjected to chaos, violence or excessive stress over long periods of time we may eventually come to expect such circumstances to always be our reality. In a similar way an early history of being deeply hurt by other people might seemingly predispose us to expect to be hurt by people in the future. Expecting people to disappoint or hurt us on a regular basis is a horrible way to live. Unfortunately it's a type of thinking that plagued me for years. I attribute my own early life history as being a significant factor in the patterns of thought that became common in my mind later on.

And yet the mind's predictive power is finite! I was reminded of this last night when my greatest fears running through my mind were not realized. Nothing horrible happened to me. Indeed, the end of my day instead had an anti-climactic air about it. It was a bit surreal how easily I could get carried away with the ruminations and deepest fears contained within my own mind.

Some habits take a while to break.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

What Is A Dis-Abled Way of Experiencing The World?

Tuesday, October 27, 2015


Another full day is behind me now. I feel positively exhausted as I have been awake for nearly sixteen hours. Perhaps this isn't impressive to medical doctors and others who go without sleep for thirty-six to forty-hours on occasion. I am nonetheless pleased with how well I managed my day considering how stressful it was. Being asked to do so much with minimal resources can be such a challenge.

I spoke with my therapist tonight. I actually sat in my bathtub at home while I spoke with him on the phone. I wanted to chat in person but the hectic rescheduling of my day made necessary by a number of  challenging issues these past few weeks required me to be creative and accept a less than ideal way of 'meeting' with him. I've never "met" with a therapist while sitting in my bathtub at home.

I spoke about the major stressors in my life these last few weeks. The stressors I have experienced have been ponderous enough to cast me into a persistent feeling of needing medication to modulate how I manage my life each day. But I am determined to see what is happening as only a passing challenge. The bumpy road of my life has only been predominant for about two weeks now. This too shall pass.

I continue to experience amazement with my eyesight on a daily basis. I recently have decided to "drop anchor" and allow this newfound appreciation of what my eyes perceive of the world to become a central facet of the person I wish to be in the future. By that I mean I want to do something in my professional life that uses my eyes in a more intensive way. It seems my appreciation of the world around me is not going to wane any time soon. It thus seems to be a permanent part of who I now am.

As I have reflected on the gift of my eyesight I have found myself contemplating what a "dis-abled" way of viewing the world could be. I will write about that more in a future posting.

Monday, October 26, 2015

"When Are You Going To Get Over It?"

Monday, October 26, 2015


I had a nightmare last night. When compared against the nightmares during my sleep time I have had throughout my life the one I had last night was fairly bad. The dream imagery was interwoven with feelings of dread and fear. The fear I felt in the dream was due in large measure to the visual imagery that surrounded me.

When I awoke this morning I felt all too familiar feelings of sadness and anxiety. And I found myself wondering how I can be a man of forty-two years of age and still be plagued by disturbing dreams. The one I had last night I can easily associate with that summer of 1982. I have previously written about that time in my life here in my blog. It was a very difficult time. I felt a lot of fear then. I was afraid I was going to die. And I had good reason to feel that way. I won't put myself through pain again by once again recounting the details here.

I found myself asking a hard question this morning: "When am I going to decisively 'get over' my early life history?" What will it take for me to no longer sometimes feel haunted by what I endured? As I reflected on the long and painful shadow of my early life history I found myself recalling a small piece of written material in which the same general question is posed. I pulled it out this morning to read it over. The title of it is "The Ten Biggest Myths About Grief". You might expect to see such a piece of literature in a hospital chapel or hospice office. The following is directly quoted from this miniature guidebook on grief:


"The biggest myth about grief is that we 'get over' it. We don't. We absorb our loss and learn from it. We are changed forever after someone we love dies. As poet Paul Irion says, 'Life can be the same after a trinket has been lost, but never after the loss of a treasure.'

The harsh reality of loss brings acute grief, a pain that is all-consuming, overwhelming, and unpredictable. Grief does not follow an orderly path through stages, phases, and tasks, and come to an end that is clearly defined by 'acceptance,' 'closure,' and 'emotional detachment.'"


I believe the aforementioned myth is a convenient little myth that nonetheless can do a lot of damage when we structure our lives around its incorrect core assumption. It's a myth I personally believe is almost essential to cling to as a means of living in the hyper-connected and hyper-busy culture of American society. Or perhaps 'coping' is a better word choice than 'living'. How can you feel that you are truly living in a culture where we are taught to always be moving on to the next thing? Being 'busy' is one of the quintessential American addictions. But what is all the busyness for?

Twenty-eight months of rigorous self-inquiry, writing and dedication to my own personal wellness has taught me a few things. One thing I have learned is recounted elsewhere in this grief guidebook. All losses are not the same. Another powerful piece of wisdom can be found hidden inside another myth that contends that there is only one right way to grieve. There are as many ways to grieve as there are people on the planet. I personally found it helpful to reclaim what I could of the life I had never lived as a way of grieving the years from my earlier life that are now gone forever. We cannot turn back the clock but we can choose to live a better life in the future.

I am inclined to think that an article posted by PTSD recovery advocate Michele Rosenthal somehow ignited the dream I had last night. The topic of that article was shame. I think American culture all too often does something incredibly disempowering and shortsighted to those who are immersed in grief. It shames them. People get shamed for not 'getting over' their grief. Such is the harm that can be inflicted by a culture virtually obsessed with moving faster, being more productive and so on.

As I pondered my own particular life reality in the hours immediately after waking up this morning I asked myself a painful question: 'Do I personally feel ashamed by the fact that I am apparently still not 'over' some of what happened to me more than thirty years ago?' A harsh person lacking compassion might indeed think I am pathetic for not having finally healed from all the uncertainty, violence, corruption and harsh language I was subjected to as a kid. Indeed, shouldn't twenty-eight months of consistently going to therapy on a weekly basis have helped me reach that seemingly magical state of 'being healed'? Not necessarily.


I find myself becoming more and more gentle and patient as time passes. American culture would often conflate such qualities with weakness. But anyone who knows me well knows I am a strong individual. My appreciation of the beauty and fragility of human life has deepened these last two years. I am aware of how the smallest words and gestures can have long enduring impacts, both positive and negative, for those both on the giving and receiving end of such interactions.

I personally would like to reach a point in my own life where I no longer feel so vulnerable to the ravages of vivid nightmares. I would like to have more enduring friendships. I want to be happier. I want to do work that energizes me. And I want a special person to have as my husband. These are my big dreams for my future. Maybe these wishes will manifest in another six months. Maybe it will take another year. I don't know. I continue to do the work to move in the direction of a bigger, brighter, bolder and more enjoyable future. I hope one day I will finally awaken...and actually be in my much dreamed about reality.



Sunday, October 25, 2015

Giving 100% All The Time

Sunday, October 25, 2015


I had an important realization today. It's not healthy for me to be pushing myself hard all the time. When waking up this morning, on a Sunday, I began to review what I hoped to accomplish today. As I began to think through all the tasks of my day and all that was required to accomplish them I began feeling increasingly overwhelmed. In an attempt to encourage myself I said the following to myself: "Just go as fast as you can." I then paused and realized there was a certain problem with my thinking. Going as fast as I can is basically the equivalent of driving a car at maximum speed. While this can be tolerable and feasible for some duration of time it's not realistic to expect we can push ourselves hard all the time. Fully using our capacities (giving 100%) all the time can be exhausting and ultimately lead to burnout.

I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. I have two jobs now. It's not my preference to be so busy with working to earn money. I want to enjoy my life and not fall into the American trap of living to work (as opposed to working to live). In addition to my work commitments I also attempt to regularly write in my blog, attend a leadership development program that requires me to commit some time on Tuesdays and Saturdays, exercise, meet with my therapist once a week, spend time with friends and make some plans for my future beyond next August 1st. That is a lot to juggle. It becomes even more taxing to juggle so many demands on my time when things go awry or are delayed. If you are living a life where you have basically no time margin for error and grant yourself little time to refresh yourself you are quite possibly on a path to burnout. I want to live a life that is rewarding and energizing. I have been burned out before. It's a very unpleasant experience.

So rather than give 100% all the time I realize it's important to downshift and leave some energy in my own personal "tank". An imbalanced life can often (though not necessarily inevitably) lead to significant problems later on. As autumn deepens and the silence and solitude of winter approaches I realize now is an ideal time to prune my life of commitments and clutter that no longer serve me. And yet it can be difficult to let go.

Those influences which prove prominent in our early development can prove quite challenging to consciously recognize as well as observe dispassionately. If we are not consciously aware of these influences we might awaken one day (perhaps belatedly) to discover our lives do not feel much like our own. We may feel our lives are actually being driven by something we don't even understand. One of the influences I recognize played a powerful role in my own development was religion. I grew up in a family that is good at being of service to others. But taken to an extreme a person dedicated to service to others can become a martyr. And in becoming a martyr we can lose our very selves. It's thus healthy to step back on occasion and reassess the quality of our lives.

I feel as if I was virtually captivated by the martyr archetype earlier in my own life. I was so dedicated to being of service to others that I failed to recognize the very real risk of losing my own self in the process. And while it can be very healthy (even downright therapeutic) to get involved in the lives of others (both to be of help as well as being a source of distraction from our own concerns) there is indeed a fine line where service turns into self-destructive martyrdom.

There are times when I still feel immense grief. There are moments when the grief weighs upon me so heavily that I could be easily convinced I am living through 2013 all over again. These days the grief that arises in me is often connected to periods of my life very different from those I explored when I first began seeing my therapist in June, 2013. As I noted in a recent posting I have a deep desire to recapture my sense of my own youth. My own youthfulness hasn't been lost. But I don't feel I appreciated my power, beauty, energy and youthfulness as much as I could have when I was biologically younger. When I ponder the life I lived in my twenties I marvel at how much I gave to others and how little I gave to myself. I was laying the foundation for the burnout I would experience
years later. I was also living in what I now recognize was an imbalanced way. I was living a very serious life.

Restoring your own personal health and vitality after a sojourn in the landscape of burnout can be deeply personal and deeply challenging. And the process can require much patience and self-inquiry as well as the aid of others.

While working today I unexpectedly took note of the fact that it was exactly twenty-eight months ago that the seed was planted from which would bloom my odyssey of writing. Twenty-eight months ago, on June 25, 2013, I received a health diagnosis that would ultimately cast me on a new course. It took a while for my vision to sufficiently clarify such that I could start to see where I was going. I can honestly say that I can now see more clearly than I ever have before.

Life is wondrous.

Allow yourself to change. Allow the people around you to change. Allow the wisdom of change to inhabit your life.





Thursday, October 22, 2015

Recapturing My Youth


Thursday, October 22, 2015


So this evening I went to assist with the triennial survey of homelessness here in the state of Minnesota. I went to a location near downtown Minneapolis to assist in administering a survey to homeless people staying in a shelter environment. It’s a sobering experience to meet homeless people. You very well could become a homeless person. You quite possibly know at least one person in your vast network of friends whose housing situation is currently quite precarious.  You just might not be aware that this is true. Many people barely making it financially are not that far way from becoming homeless. All it takes is one catastrophic event to push many people down the “economic ladder” into destitution.

Many years have passed since the economic implosion of 2008. Regardless of what word choice is made to describe that time (Great Recession, etc) many, many people were harmed by that time. I wish I had been better prepared for that horrible time here in the United States. Had I been better prepared I might not have suffered some of the hardships I have experienced these last several years. Learning how to plan and manage the affairs of your life is a vital and mature task to commit to. It is sad that there are many people who lack the essential skills to manage their lives as adults. Others find themselves still making up for underdeveloped skills later in their lives. I definitely fit into the latter category.

As I left the site where I assisted with the survey I found myself aware of my great yearning to recapture my supposedly lost youth. Is it really lost? I don’t know. I have written about this idea of lost youth and lost time elsewhere in my blog. Some would argue it is possible for an individual to recapture earlier times in his life when that earlier phase of life unfolds in such a way that leaves him feeling seriously unfulfilled, alienated, disenchanted or all of the above. I do believe such revisiting of an under-enjoyed past is possible. The trick to successfully recapturing lost years seems to require the application of an adult attitude marked by patience, thoughtfulness and discernment.

My twenty-eight month journey with my current therapist has proven vital to my successful plunge into addressing and healing the deepest wounds of the earliest years of my life history. And yet it’s amazing how unsteady I can still sometimes feel even after doing so much work with the guidance of a therapist. It doesn’t help that I live in a nation marked by such dysfunction and backwardness. A mentality approximating that of a spoiled five-year old child seems to characterize much of the interactions in our government these days. One can see examples of this at the local, state and federal levels of government. It can be easy to want to recapture “lost youth” when it appears as if few other people who are of biological adult maturity nonetheless act petulant, selfish and downright mean. Why be a mature adult when it isn’t the “in thing” to do these days? Why indeed.

Despite the abundance of regressive and petty behavior one can read about in the daily life of the American nation I nonetheless feel fairly pleased with the state of my own life these days. I have been working full time for nearly three months now. I actually like my primary job! This is not a small thing. Many Americans hate their jobs…if they have one at all.

So what to do about the blog? Yes, I am still writing. And yes my life has evolved tremendously since June, 2013. It actually seems strangely surreal that the memories I have of that time in my life are actually of real experiences from my own life history. It no longer seems actually possible that I was as sick, disheartened and angry as I was that summer of 2013.

I am currently cultivating contacts to lead me in a new career direction in 2016. But actually the direction isn’t really that new. Instead I want to bring my life full circle and get back into the world of work involving marine policy, exploration and research. I feel that great things are going to open up to me in the coming years. And cultivating a healthy belief that such a wondrous life is indeed possible is a first and vital step to realizing such a dream!

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

To Overcome Adversity

Tuesday, October 20, 2015


Adversity can be the ground from which springs the soothing power of compassion. So goes the stream of thought contained in a New York Times article I recently read. I tend to agree with this central thesis of the aforementioned article. More than once I have wondered who I might have become had I not endured the hardship, loss and trauma I experienced in the earliest years of my own life.

I find myself feeling a bit stuck lately in regards to writing my blog. I sometimes feel it is primarily a result of the fact that I now have a "responsible" job that consumes much of my time and energy. As I noted in a very recent posting the pace of my life has changed tremendously. These last ninety days have featured an enormous amount of positive change in my personal life. Now that I find myself so busy with the task of assisting in uplifting the lives of local homeless young people I find I have much less time and energy for other activities. Maintaining my blog still interests me. But it seems somewhat unrealistic for me to place an expectation on myself that I write each and every day.

So what is different about me as compared to twenty-eight months ago? Here is one big difference:

I am very, very aware of the time sensitive nature of opportunities.

I tend to believe such an awareness is at least partly an inevitable result of maturity. As we grow older and accumulate more life experience we naturally experience the truth that not all opportunities that come around once will come around again. It seems such awareness will thus lead us to become more grateful for what we do have and more willing to jump at amazing opportunities when they do happen to come around.

I will share another aspect of how I have changed in my next posting.



Saturday, October 17, 2015

From Stagnation To Supersonic Speed

Saturday, October 17, 2015


My life has become so fast paced (compared to this past summer) that I sometimes marvel that I am able to keep up with all the change in my life. There are some days when I feel quite overwhelmed by the demands on my time. I felt quite exhausted for much of August. All the changes that took place in a very short period of time left me feeling grateful to meet my bed each night during the last weeks of summer.

I am about to leave to go do my second job. Tomorrow will thankfully be a day when I don't have to go out and do anything characteristic of the world we ideally inhabit as responsible adults. I'll have some time for play and pleasure.

I do intend to keep writing and am actively visualizing what my new life can look like now that the unhealed trauma of my early life has finally, finally, been resoundingly addressed. Twenty-eight months have passed since that eventful month of June, 2013. I am grateful those days are long since gone. The pain I felt at that time was extraordinary.

Have a great Saturday! And find something beautiful about the day to enjoy!

Thursday, October 15, 2015

A Mountaintop View

Thursday, October 15, 2015


Today was the type of day I wish I could bottle up and somehow magically repeat on numerous other days that I work. I felt quite exhilarated by the opportunity to introduce good people to one another in my workplace. Being a "connector" is one of my favorite activities.

The theme of dreaming big was at play throughout my day. I currently work in what I call a youth serving organization. The youth my organization serves not infrequently come from some very difficult circumstances. I have empathy for the circumstances many of these youth have come from because I had significant obstacles in my own childhood I had to overcome. Life can be very mean and alienating at times. And yet, somehow, if we want to realize an amazing quality life we have to not only allow ourselves to dream big but actually engage in such imaginative exercise on a frequent basis. Our lives ultimately become the "outpicturing" of what we consistently imagine and believe to be real and true.

Does what I claim sound like some ridiculous New Age "happy talk" you would expect to hear from a self-identified fortune teller or magician? I can understand if my words meet many skeptical ears. I was once skeptical myself. But then I learned about the powerful technique of creative visualization. I later tested out practicing such a technique after reading books written on the subject. After I enjoyed a single instance of irrefutable success in creating something I consistently took time to imagine actually experiencing I knew that creative visualization was indeed a legitimate art.

If you want a big life it's essential that you dream big. You also have to make big requests. And, eventually and finally, you must learn to welcome in the big life you dream of once it indeed comes to fruition.


Monday, October 12, 2015

The Avid Explorer

Monday, October 12, 2015


I want to do some amount of exploring as part of my future professional life. What exact job I will hold where I can do some exploring as a regular part of my work remains unclear to me at this time. I thrive on opportunities for adventure. Work that features an excessive amount of mind numbing repetition has a way of quenching the fire in my soul. I need something much greater than that. And I am capable of something much greater.

I finally feel relatively whole, strong and focused. It was quite a process getting here. I never would have imagined that the transit of Pluto in square to my natal Moon would bring about such a veritable 'festival' of (still) unhealed trauma and associated memories to wade through. Plutonian transits can be notoriously long so it's best to buckle up and prepare yourself when a harsh transit comes along. It's a suitable moment to use astrological language considering that the Moon has just begun a whole new cycle. It was exactly new only a few minutes ago.

I was given this question at the last cohort day for my current service work. The question read something like this: "What age would you like to be able to be again...or always?" And I picked the age when I was completing my graduate degree under the instruction of Pamela Colorado. I remember it as such a vivid, exciting and stimulating time in my life. I want that type of life again.




Sunday, October 11, 2015

Paths Never Taken

Sunday, October 11, 2015


Periods of time marked by a Mercury retrograde phase have a way of introducing us to elements of our earlier life histories that we may have (erroneously) concluded we had long since put behind us. I was reminded of this tonight when I went out to a local bar that I have previously frequented in the time I have lived in the Twin Cities.

I have lived in Minnesota for three years now. The evolution of my life has been decidedly non-linear throughout these last three years. When I arrived in October three years ago I never would have imagined the quality of my life was still being so significantly undermined by the legacy of the trauma I had experienced some thirty years prior to that time. I thought I had successfully worked through the pain and trauma I had endured as a kid. The year 2013 came along and instructed me otherwise. Over two years have passed since that eventful warm season of 2013. I feel like a new person now. I still feel grief that the life-transforming change of EMDR therapy did not find its way into my life earlier. But I am grateful it found me...at all.

While spending time with some friends tonight I found myself reminded of my life of years ago. I saw the man I briefly dated when I first moved to the Twin Cities three years ago. He still has a certain aura of unhealed trauma about him. This is not surprising considering the fact that he is a veteran of the Iraq war. I saw other familiar faces as well. Many people I might expect to see were not in attendance; I assume many of them were away at the Iowa Leather weekend in Des Moines.

My awareness of the life paths I could have taken (but chose not to) was only further reinforced by my online encounter of a man whom I first corresponded with three years ago when I still lived in the Washington DC area. As sometimes has happened before I found myself feeling my mind full of unrealized future life scenarios that never came to be. What if I had stayed in the Washington, DC area and remained steadfast in my determination to forge a career in the federal government? What if I had not immediately left Monterey, California over four years ago in search of something bigger and better in the Pacific Northwest? What if I had chosen differently on a number of occasions?

Even after taking a journey marked by such extensive therapy it can still be a bit too easy for me to fall into the pattern of reflecting on all the possibilities that might have opened to me if I had only...fill in the blank. If only I had been more patient. If only the trauma of my life history had not still been undermining the quality of my life as recently as three years ago. If only I had met certain people at slightly different times in my own life timeline. Perhaps the whole timeline of my personal evolution would have turned out differently. Perhaps I would be a much better person today. Perhaps I would be healthier, wealthier and more settled. But then again perhaps everything unfolded in the best possible manner for my highest good. Maybe that is actually the "correct" perspective to maintain about the evolution of my life.

I do know that time feels more precious to me than ever before. I am aware that we don't always get second chances. In fact it seems to me that second chances might actually be quite rare.

Use your time and energy wisely. Make time for those who make time for you.


Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Le Sigh

Tuesday, October 6, 2015


I arrived in Minnesota about three years ago today. I actually tried to find the exact date I arrived so I could reference it when I met with my therapist this evening. That doesn't much matter. What is significant is that certain milestone moments are coming and going. And they are passing without incident.

I went away for a brief overnight trip with my good friend Keith this past Sunday. We traveled to the arrowhead of Minnesota. We drove through Duluth and then paralleled the North Shore of Lake Superior until we reached Grand Marais. Upon reaching Grand Marais (which was smaller in population than I had anticipated) we traveled north away from the Lake until we reached the bed and breakfast we spent Sunday night at. It was a lovely trip and exactly what I needed.

Yesterday morning, while going for a walk in the woods adjacent to our accommodation, I found myself appreciating the sound...of silence. It was nice to be almost under-stimulated by sound. I find the visual world to be an amazing source of stimulation over two years after I first tried out EMDR therapy. I reported to my therapist tonight that my fascination with what I can perceive with my eyes remains as strong as ever. Indeed, my fascination might even be growing. There are some days when it feels a bit surreal to be me. I never thought my own personal Pandora's Box would contain so many wonders when it opened in the summer of 2013.

Today was a bit jarring. It was my first day of my new workweek. I ate fast food for lunch because I wasn't in the mood to think about taking my own lunch to work when I arrived home last night. The music streaming from the speakers overhead was grating to my nerves. All the music seemed to have been created at least ten years ago. There is so much about mainland life here in the United States that I find boring or depressing. I see such suffering around me in the faces of so many people. It does indeed sometimes seem to me that we are becoming a third world nation.

I am making efforts each day to improve my own life. I am beginning to more actively reach out in search of my next job opportunity once my current role ends next August.



Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Three Percent

Wednesday, September 30, 2015


Today was one of those days when I gave everything I did my all. When I began recharging my laptop at home the battery had 3% of its capacity. The depleted battery is a good metaphor for this day; I feel quite exhausted as I recount the day near its end. My last commitment was my appointment with my therapist.

I feel excited about the direction my life is moving. September is ending. Autumn is upon us. I'm becoming increasingly engaged in the organization I now work for. There have been many positive developments that took place in the single month of September alone.

The most interesting aspect of my session this evening was describing how I experience a state of wonder more typical of a boy. It's a brave new world each and every day.




Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Lost Wonder...Regained

Tuesday, September 29, 2015


"People who had extremely difficult childhoods, or had their adolescence cut short in some way, find that they can recapture their lost years. There are many ways one can 'lose' one's childhood or adolescence. An abused child is never a child; a child or teenager who has to care for an ill or alcoholic parent never experiences childhood; a teenager who becomes a mother or responsible father loses her or his adolescence. There are many examples of people who need to recapture a period in their life which was truncated or never lived at all."

~ Saturn in Transit by Erin Sullivan


The above quote is taken from a section in Erin Sullivan's book that describes something not uncommon among those who reach the age range of 45 to 52. You may have guessed that the book I reference explores the topic of astrology. It indeed does. Some people are skeptical of the validity of astrology. That is all fine and good. I was skeptical myself. But being truly open-minded (and maybe also open-hearted?) means being willing to entertain ideas you might initially be resistant to. In the fourteen years since I first studied astrology as a hobby of "serious" inquiry I have come to believe there is something very real to this particular field of inquiry.

I shared this particular quote from Sullivan's book because it comes into my own thoughts so often. Throughout the last twenty-seven months of my life I have made a journey of psychic exploration. My exploration has been defined by my resolute determination to explore the core of who I am. I have enjoyed the assistance of many helpers throughout my journey. My therapist has proven to be an especially helpful guide. Trauma invaded the fertile ground of my psyche at a very young age. It was only in the last two years, as I have unfurled the coil of its imprint inside me, that I came to a much fuller appreciation of how deeply I was indeed impacted by what I experienced. EMDR therapy proved to be the primary therapeutic tool whose use allowed me to traverse the contours of my own inner life...and eventually lead me to a profound realization: I perceived the world around me in a distorted way from a very young age.

There is nothing about my daily experience of utilizing my eyesight that feels identical to how I perceived the world with my eyes prior to June, 2013. The change I underwent was that profound. I experienced the equivalent of walking through a doorway I could and would never be able to walk back through in the opposite direction. I experienced a permanent change. I walked through a door of irreversibility.

I recently began driving again for the first time in over four years. My lack of recent driving history is not due to a lack of being willing to drive. Though I don't exactly fit into the typical American culture that places immense emphasis on the personal freedom and glory of owning a car I nonetheless do appreciate the way car ownership opens up a much larger world. I have noticed that my experience of driving is also now very different. I see the world with what seems to be a new pair of eyes from behind the windshield of my car.

I am experiencing an atypical phenomenon. It is lost wonder...regained. I am a man well into my adulthood who is now experiencing wonder on a daily basis. Such wonder, made possible by my new relationship with my eyesight, feels more typical of a six year old boy. I am experiencing the wonder a boy is expected to display in response to the world around him but I am experiencing it a few decades "late".

As I drove home from dinner at the home of a friend my whole experience of driving felt both familiar and alien. I can remember when I drove as a younger man. The night has a different quality now. I perceive the night (and the day) differently now. I see the lights of cars passing me traveling in the opposite direction in a way I can never recall experiencing before. In the first hours of darkness after dusk has passed away I witness the interplay of streetlights and shadow on the still foliated trees in such a manner that I often feel amazed by. I cannot recall experiencing such awe earlier in my life!

I seem to be a man dislocated in both space and time. The trajectory of my development is something atypical. I am not your "average" (what does that even mean?) man. I have become someone else.

When wonder casts its power into our lives in such an unexpected time and place we may very well become permanently changed people.

......

I saw the moon rising as I drove home tonight. It was full very recently and still appears virtually full early this evening. When I first noticed the moon I felt the air catch in my throat. I felt the moon issuing me an invitation: 'Through my light take a moment to appreciate the contrast of the darkness that surrounds me.'

The world is incredibly filled with light. Did you notice it today?



Monday, September 28, 2015

Moving Up And Moving On

Monday, September 28, 2015


Today was a long but productive day. I feel myself rapidly moving on to the next phase of my life.

Among other things I had a good conversation regarding my professional future. And, on a related note, my enthusiasm is back. I feel enthusiastic about my future prospects and excited that my energy is so much better than it was.

The generosity of other people has been crucial in helping me to reach this point.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Revelations At The Library

Sunday, September 27, 2015


Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back — concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:

that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.


Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.

~ Goethe




Roseville, Minnesota, the community of my current residence, does not strike me as an overly exciting place. I heard the familiar drone of Friday night high school football when I arrived home the other evening. In some way hearing such sounds remind me I am very much living within the borders of the United States. Friday night football is a very American tradition.

The quietude I associate with Roseville stands in stark contrast to what I have experienced at the Ramsey County public library on this Sunday afternoon. It has been an eventful day! I finally was able to articulate, in fairly clear prose, what I would like to do in my future professional life once my current commitment ends approximately August 1, 2016. I want to relocate to Hawaii and synthesize my passions for the beauty of the world and human development with my skills in research, community engagement, education and writing.

For the longest time I felt creatively...hindered. Artists would perhaps call it something like writing block. I simply could not clearly visualize what I wanted to do next. And I still do not have "absolute" clarity now. I don't know what sorts of doors of opportunity may open up to me now that I have a clearer vision of which professional doors I want to go knocking on. But at least I am much closer to manifesting the reality I want to create now that I can more clearly declare what I want. A waiter cannot take your order until you know what you want. And the Universe cannot deliver unto you that which you desire until you can clearly articulate your desire. To manifest something grand a special alchemy of visualization and action must combine together.

As an act of good faith that I will find my way to where I want to be I am sharing some of the fruits of my imaginative labors. What appears below is taken directly from a document I have been writing for the last two years. The document has served as my "site" to reflect and imagine what I would like to do in my professional life in the future. Here it is:


PROFESSIONAL PURPOSE STATEMENT:

My professional purpose is to inspire appreciation, exploration and conservation of the natural environment and thereby facilitate the enjoyment and sustainable management of the natural world as well as its diverse human cultures.

What job responsibilities could my ideal position specifically include?
  • I work to inspire young people of diverse backgrounds to take an active interest in the marine environment.
  •  I assist organizations to get youth out into the marine environment where they can explore and learn more about the world around them.
  •  I help educate people about the phenomenon of marine protected areas and their value as a conservation tool.
  • I arrange special programming (field trips, research experiences, tours of the facilities of partner organizations committed to similar missions) for youth. I also occasionally assist as a guide and instructor as needed.
  • I introduce individuals and organizations to sites of cultural, historical and environmental significance for the purpose of educating and inspiring appreciation and conservation of such sites.



If you want to create something amazing find a good way to "shout it out" to the world at large. Announce yourself and your purpose to your friends and family. In doing so that which you need to realize your vision may begin to flow to you.



Saturday, September 26, 2015

My Vision Clarifies

Saturday, September 26, 2015


The last forty-eight hours have been quite eventful.

I attended a day of events offered by the Youth Intervention Programs Association yesterday. While at the venue site I found myself feeling very inspired by the presentations given. Of all the words shared one sentence spoken early on remains with me: "Nobody wins when our youth fail."

I never really seriously imagined making youth education and empowerment a major focus of my professional life in years past. But I have begun to think anew in recent weeks and months. My journey of recovery these past twenty-seven months thoroughly shook up the contours of my previous life. I allowed myself to begin contemplating personal and professional possibilities I had never really contemplated before. My "out of the box" thinking has now landed me in a new place. I find myself on the cusp of a new journey defined by new values, new interests and new aspirations.

A vision of my future work that I can bring immense passion to began to finally clarify for me yesterday. I felt amazed and a little overwhelmed when the imagery began to vividly appear in my imagination. And this is what I saw: I saw myself applying my skills in research, community engagement, education and writing to inspire young people to take an interest in marine conservation in Hawaii. I specifically saw myself using my eyesight to do research of the marine environment...and then engage young people in such work. One tangible possibility I felt drawn to was getting young people in Hawaii excited about marine protected areas in general and the United States national marine sanctuary system.

Now, one day later, I feel a bit like I did on the day after I received the diagnosis of PTSD in late June, 2013. I feel...powerfully impacted and changed. And I feel excited! Yesterday it felt as if my future reached backwards in time into the present moment and announced itself to me.


Thursday, September 24, 2015

Powerful Change

Thursday, September 24, 2015


It's been five days since I last wrote here in my blog. Days have a way of passing by in a blur now. I have become so busy with my "new" life that it's easy to arrive home at the end of the day and feel so exhausted that I simply cannot motivate myself to sit before my computer and write. There are some days when I feel badly that my fatigue ultimately proves more powerful than my passion. But change, any change, has a way of challenging our existing routines. And I have been undergoing a lot of change lately.

Here is the positive material. In meeting with my therapist yesterday I found myself "complete" with my own material so early in the session that I actually asked my therapist to further describe the life of another client he originally mentioned for the purpose of drawing a parallel to my own life. The fact that I asked to hear more details about the challenges faced by another human being who is a complete stranger to me convinced me that something has fundamentally shifted in my own life. That I am willing to spend some portion of time in a session dedicated to my own wellness hearing about the life of someone I have no emotional connection to tells me that I am quite healthy now. When no amount of  human suffering inspires an empathic response we can correctly surmise that we ourselves have become quite hardened. When the plight of complete strangers interests us it must mean our hearts have some softness still in them.

I continue to enjoy my job working for a local non-profit organization focused on assisting homeless youth. I have been rather careful to not identify the organization I work with on my Facebook page because I still harbor some fear that some local people whose behavior two years ago proved highly offensive and even deeply harmful to me may find it somehow not highly inappropriate to meddle in my life even now and make more trouble for me. While I know it can be easy for me to slip into a mindset of deep mistrust (this can come easily to me due to the trauma I experienced which I have recounted elsewhere here in my blog) without good cause I feel it wise to be careful, even now, due to what happened back then. And something else that happened last night convinced me all the more that my cautious approach is warranted. Now it's time for the unpleasant material.

I learned last night that what happened two years ago may still be impacting the quality of my life as well as my prospects even now. My landlord apparently heard from some people we mutually know in the time since I moved in early August. These people apparently did not give me glowing character references. I suspect some of these individuals might have some sort of association with the Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus. I can only speculate because I was given no actual names. I don't have the impression that any false information was provided about me. And yet I nonetheless have the impression that other people's wrong impressions about what happened in 2013 and 2014 still may be unjustly coloring the way they think about me and speak about me to others. Incorrect impressions are something I can understand. Deliberate lies and vicious gossip are not something I can understand or respect. Deliberate lies and malicious gossip can destroy people's lives. It is my impression that such poor behavior may still be a somewhat common aspect of the behavior of some of the membership of the aforementioned organization.

It's an unfortunate truism that gay people have a somewhat deserved reputation for being extremely vicious and malignant when they perceive themselves to be harmed. You could call it the Vicious Queen Syndrome. I say somewhat deserved because (thankfully) not all adult gay people act like intolerant, spoiled, self-important teenagers or bratty five year old children. But there are all too many gay people who do. And I feel I have already met my share of them. And I have certainly already dated my "fair" share of liars, jerks and the incredibly self-important. And I wish my future life to exclude such nonsense. I prefer being single rather than enduring people who won't get their lives together and actually be kind and decent to others.

I have come to develop a strong aversion to the passive aggressive way of living that marks Midwestern culture. Also known locally as "Minnesota Nice" I find this way of interacting with others so exasperating partly because it is such a colossal waste of time! Why spend so much of your life using mind games and subtle hints to communicate what you are really thinking and feeling to other people? In my opinion life is too short for such bullshit. If I were younger I might feel inclined to do the passive aggressive two step...but I refuse to live in such a shallow way. What if we all behaved as mature adults routinely do and simply express ourselves without fearing others will misinterpret our intent or even later deliberately set out to harm us due to their misinterpretations of our words and actions? What an amazing world that would be if adults routinely behaved as...adults! What a concept!

I felt sad throughout much of today due primarily to this conversation I had last night. It never ceases to amaze me how one-dimensional people can be in their thinking. Rather than try to understand people and accept them as they are it seems so many people are perfectly content to mistreat and judge others based on the most superficial of encounters and personal knowledge. In short I wish there was more depth to the daily reality of human interactions.

Despite the sadness I felt throughout the day I generally felt good otherwise. A whole new life is blossoming for me. I learned some lessons the hard way these last two years. And I expect I will never need to learn them again.




Saturday, September 19, 2015

The Power of EMDR Treatment

Saturday, September 19, 2015


I started to write about a topic near and dear to my heart in my entry from yesterday evening. My entry today is meant to further explore this topic.

I found myself appreciating the impact that EMDR therapy has made on my life during my recent trip to Denver. I was in Denver to attend the Social Enterprise Alliance conference. When planning for my trip I perceived there was a distinct possibility that the trip could cause memories of earlier moments in my life to appear in my present awareness. And that indeed did happen. While visiting the area immediately around the Denver Center for the Performing Arts I found myself unintentionally remembering my visit to Denver in 2012. In the summer of 2012 I was living in Washington, DC. I was pursuing an internship with the NOAA Office of National Marine Sanctuaries in the hope of eventually launching a long-term career in the federal government. Though that has not (yet) happened I nonetheless do value the time I spent in Washington, DC.

One of the highlights of my time in DC was my participation as a singing member of the Gay Men's Chorus of Washington, DC. The chorus traveled to Denver that summer to participate in a gathering of LGBT choruses that occurs once every four years. The occasion features days and days of concerts and  an opportunity to meet people from all over the country. I found myself walking through some of the very same streets while in Denver this past week. And I recognized many of the places I first encountered in 2012. My life has changed dramatically since 2012. And this dramatic difference has been facilitated in large measure by my decision to undergo EMDR treatment.

I have written about EMDR therapy in many entries in my blog. I now perceive the world with what sometimes seems to be an entirely new set of eyes. When I call to mind the memories of my trip to Denver from this past week I notice a qualitative difference in the visual aspect of my memories; my recent memories are more vivid. These recently created memories possess a sharp and vibrant quality that is lacking in my memories of these very same places in Denver that I created in 2012. In essence I, the perceiver, have undergone a fundamental transformation in how I experience the world around me.

When I first underwent EMDR treatment in 2013 I initially felt overwhelmed and awed much of the time. It was painful for me to realize I had effectively not been "correctly" perceiving the world for much of my life. I wasn't truly seeing the vibrant beauty of the world as it truly is. As time passed I wondered if I would ever not feel amazed by the change in how I perceive the world. Over two years has now passed since I was first introduced to EMDR therapy. And I still wake up and notice the beauty of the world around me. And I am aware of the fact that I notice the beauty of the world most every day.

We sometimes experience events in our lives that forever change who we are. Some changes we may seek to consciously bring about through the application of our own will. Other times events take place which we would rather not be impacted by but are nonetheless. These inescapable events may prove particularly painful or disruptive of our lives. If I had to assign two words to describe what the year of 2013 was for me those words would indeed be painful and disruptive.

And yet I have journeyed out of that painful abyss. And I have discovered myself to be a new man. I cannot be the person I once was. EMDR treatment was, for me, life changing.

Change is not always easy. Even changes that ultimately lead us to an improved quality of life can be difficult to accept and adapt to. I have many times found myself wondering if the change I have experienced these last two years ought to somehow inform what I choose to do for work in the remainder of my professional life. I have asked myself "Am I such a different person now that I can't be the same person both in a professional sense and personal sense?"

In traveling to Denver I once again appreciated the magnitude of how my perception of the world (and myself) has changed. I am now intent to learn if there currently exists an online forum for people who have underwent EMDR therapy and who, like me, found it to be life-changing. I sometimes feel quite alone in taking the journey of transformation I have taken these last two years. I would like to find others to chat with whose lives have been profoundly and positively impacted by the use of EMDR.

Call it a belated birthday wish for myself.




Friday, September 18, 2015

My Strength Has Returned

Friday, September 18, 2015


I am now back safely home in Minnesota.

My time today in Denver was interesting. As I prepared to make my way to the airport I found myself dealing with something of a wave of anxiety. I realize that what I was feeling was due in part to my recollections of my past visit to Denver in 2012. I wasn't seeing the world very clearly back then. It was only three years ago but it seems like a lifetime ago or even some other life that I can recall from my memory. It's a bit surreal really.

I feel much stronger now. I feel ready to create a better future for myself. 

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Time Stretch

Thursday, September 17, 2015


I am composing my entry tonight in Denver, Colorado. An entire week has passed since I last wrote. And a lot has happened. I suppose I will sum up some recent events of the last week in chronological order.

September 11: I avoided the media coverage of the anniversary of the September 11th attacks as much as possible. It's a little surreal when I consider that there are now teenagers here in America who were born after that horrible day. It's also saddening to hear that George W. Bush's brother Jeb(!) Bush provided a narrative of his brother George's "presidency" that is patently false during the "debate" last night. I have to put two words of my last sentence in quotes because there was little about "W" that signified genuine leadership and what passes for debate in this country these days is a genuine farce.  The Republican spinmeisters are already industriously rewriting the history of George W. Bush's two administration to make it sound as if he was some insightful, wise figure who shepherded the United States with thought and compassion. It's a bit surreal to hear such lies dispensed as historical truth.

September 14: I had my birthday. It was a nice day. I met some friends for dinner. I enjoyed chocolate cupcakes with these same friends at Como Park. And it was my first birthday without being on medication since 2012. I believe it is correct to state that I have decisively overcome the horrible health impacts of my early life history now. What I focus on now is creating a foundation for a sustainable and rewarding future life.

September 16: I flew to Denver to attend the Social Enterprise Alliance conference. It has been an enjoyable event.


Visiting Denver has been something of a bittersweet experience. Why? I have been to Denver before. I first visited Denver in 1997 as a member of the Society of Jesus of New England. I was a novice member of that religious order at the time. I came to Denver for a month long course on the history of the Jesuit order. I lived on the Regis University campus. I visited Denver much more recently in 2012. At that time I was a singing member of the Gay Men's Chorus of Washington, D.C. I was in the very same part of town yesterday and today to attend the Social Enterprise Alliance conference. I recognized some of the buildings and street names.

The experience has been bittersweet for me because three years ago now seems to be ancient history. As recently as three years ago I was (still) perceiving the world around me with eyes impacted by the trauma I had experienced as a kid. I just didn't realize this was the truth of my situation. So, actually, this has been my first time visiting Denver with clear vision and a cleansed psyche. It has taken some time to get here.

But here I am now. I am ready for a new future. And I have been working on laying a strong foundation to create that future for the last two years now. The foundation is done.

It's time to build!






Thursday, September 10, 2015

The Night Before September 11th

Thursday, September 10, 2015


Today was a full day of work. After working my primary job I helped a friend with some yardwork in the evening. The days are obviously growing shorter now; I could hardly see what I was doing by 7:45 pm. Yes, autumn is coming. And tonight the air will have a genuine slight nip to it. The inevitable changing of the seasons is here yet again.

While working with my friend Jamie we briefly spoke about what we were doing on the day of September 11, 2001. It seems a bit surreal that fourteen years have passed since that day. I didn't lose anyone I was personally close to that day. But America lost a lot that day. We lost thousands of American lives. And, in my opinion, that day marked the beginning of another significant but longer term loss. The George W. Bush administration used the events of that sad day to manipulate the nation into entering a tragically shortsighted war of choice against Iraq. Here we are fourteen years later and we are still cleaning up the mess left behind by two consecutive administrations of George W. Bush. That that man became president truly proves most anyone can become president in this country.

My purpose in writing my entry tonight is not to invite my dear readers to relive that horrible day. Instead I am using that day as something of a foil to encourage reflection on trauma and healing. I feel fortunate to be alive and be enjoying a life as decent as I have. I still feel some sadness regarding how long I carried around my own unhealed trauma. But thankfully my new life is consuming my attention now. I don't really have much time to spare to ruminate on the past.

And yet I can tell how different life is for me now. Since beginning to drive again last week I have noticed that the experience of driving is itself a very different experience for me now. I suppose it is correct to say that even my whole previous driving history is something that I accumulated with a pair of eyes that did not perceive the world as clearly as they do now. I sometimes still get caught in awe when I pause and ponder how long I had been walking around with "trauma on the brain". Thirty years is a long time to carry such a burden.

Anyhow, it's time for something lighter. My birthday is in four short days. I want this to be a happy time for me. And it is. I haven't felt this good in decades.




Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Memories

Tuesday, September 8, 2015


Today I mounted a painting my mother made (many years ago) in my workspace. I can't recall ever displaying her artwork in my workspace throughout the entire history of my professional life. It's nice to have a reminder of her and the beauty she brought to the world. Though I love her very much and she is still alive it can still be painful to be around reminders of her. I know my ability to display her art is a testament to my own strength.

I shared the above words via social media earlier today. As the seasons inevitably begin to turn and my birthday nears it seems only natural I should spend a bit of time pausing to consider what my past has been as well as the people in my early life history who had a formative influence on me. I thought about  my parents again the other day when, after looking through a box of my personal effects I had not seen in over three years, I discovered all my old passports. I got out my current passport and then placed them all in chronological order. Then I took a look at the oldest passport.

The issue date of my oldest passport was February 17, 1981. A very young boy is smiling in the photo. His hair has already been turning brown for a while. The blonde boy he once was has already vanished. His front two baby teeth are gone. But the teeth that will replace them are not yet evident in the picture. That seven and a half year old boy looks very enthusiastic. He appears genuinely excited to be there getting his photograph taken. Now, thirty-four years later, I can't remember that day at all. And I don't believe it is a reasonable expectation that I should remember it. And yet that boy I was had such a great smile that day. You would think he was about to board a plane that very same day and go off on an immense adventure.

That passport was cancelled five years later. A new one was issued on April 22, 1986. A lot had happened in the intervening five years. A twelve year old boy looks out from the photograph of that passport. And there is no beaming smile. Instead there is a look of...what? Cautious presence? Circumspection? I believe that the intuitive individual may easily sense that something has fundamentally changed. But is it just due to the fact that this boy is now on the verge of adolescence? No, it's not. That boy had experienced a significant amount of trauma in those intervening five years. And though he was only twelve that boy looking out from that passport has already successfully pushed down his conscious awareness of a thought that has run through his mind all too often. The thought is a fear. And the fear was that he wouldn't live to see adulthood.

My one and only half-brother was born near the end of 1986. He'll be thirty years old next year. Though my father did make some effort to parent me when I was an adolescent I had become very adept at hiding the depth of my feelings of fear, anger and alienation. I had learned to do so because nobody in my family of origin would pay attention to these feelings I carried even when I did reveal them. So somewhere in my adolescent mind I concluded I had to start showing a front. And I did. I started showing a false face to the world.

Two years ago, in 2013, I stopped spending any energy showing a false face to my family of origin. The consequences in regards to my family were essentially what I expected. Members of my family did what they have always done. They avoided confronting the long un-confronted issues as they always have. And I suppose they expected I would just keep tolerating it. But I chose a different path. I chose the path of sanity. I chose a path to lead me back...to myself.

It hasn't been easy to awaken from the illusions I was caught in. I have experienced so much loss and discomfort in a mere two years. I felt quite shaken up for a while.

Later this year, shortly before the Christmas holiday season (and its associated frenzy) begins in earnest, I am going to mail these same members of my family some gifts. I will be sending these gifts as peace offerings. I don't expect my family of origin will ever change. I don't believe the reality of never seeing me again will necessarily shake them from the stupor of what I can only conclude are their own firmly rooted delusions. But it's not my responsibility to wake them up. It's my responsibility to take care of me. I am the only person alive who can be truly responsible for my own life.

Two years of therapy to truly heal a burden of trauma never fully healed is actually quite a deal. Considering I had carried the burden over thirty years an investment of two years is quite small. I got a great return on my investment.


I dream of a world free of hypocrisy.




Monday, September 7, 2015

Re-Membering

Monday, September 7, 2015


Today was a special day. And I don't declare it to be special because it was Labor Day. That made the day special as well. Today was significant because I finally opened a box of possessions that had been in storage on the West Coast for over three years. My personal effects were returned to me earlier this year. But not until today did I actually open the box containing my belongings. And as I opened the box and elements from my life several years ago spilled out my memories corresponding to these many materials also came spilling out of my mind.

Revisiting possessions that we once held dear years ago can be something of a revelation. We can find ourselves wondering what is was about certain items that we found so endearing. As we live our lives our values are apt to change. And as our values change it's inevitable that what we count as our 'stuff' will also change.

I suppose the most interesting moment in my perusal of my belongings came when I found a necklace I made years ago. The necklace features a sun symbol as its centerpiece. I created the necklace from beads. I believe I must have gone to some business in California that featured "make it yourself" necklaces. I do vividly remember I had made the necklace to give to a partner I imagined having one day in the future. That imagined partner has not yet materialized. And I think the necklace is at least five years old now. I decided not to waste my past efforts by leaving the necklace sitting in its little box. Tomorrow I am going to start wearing it whenever I choose. I am learning more and more how to be good to myself.

An interesting thing happened when I put the necklace on this afternoon. I accidentally put it on backwards; the sun symbol was facing in towards my chest rather than out towards the world. I began to fumble to take it off and correct the "error". But then I paused. I thought about how the metaphor of the sun shining in towards my chest was an apt, though unintended, "mistake". For too much of my life I have made the error of giving more to others than I have to myself. Living such an imbalanced life over a life period of time is a good prescription for the harm that often comes from such protracted imbalance, namely illness and burn-out. So I walked around at home with the sun symbol facing my chest. Thankfully I am much better at taking care of myself than I was five years ago.

Much better.

Sometimes we need to remember the past in a new or different way to be able to successfully integrate what we have experienced and, perhaps seemingly ironically, then let go of the past. Exploring my own early life history has been much of the focus of my healing "odyssey" these last two years. This focus gave my blog it's distinctive "flavor" over the course of many months.

It's a measure of how fragmented and uneasy my life was for so long that it actually feels a bit strange to have "all of me" in one physical space. My earthly possessions are finally now all here with me in the state of Minnesota. I have left little pieces of my heart in places throughout the world I have found powerful and amazing. Some of these places include Germany, Norway, Hawaii and South Dakota.

To re-member the fullness of the course your own life has taken can be an amazing yet arduous thing. I feel grateful to feel re-membered in mind, body and spirit. When I consider the many influences that have shaped who I am today it's quite clear that I have indeed been a world traveler.




Saturday, September 5, 2015

The Tether I Used To Escape The Abyss

Saturday, September 5, 2015


I have been in something of a reflective mood lately. This sometimes happens when major changes take place in my life. The fact that my birthday is coming up in nine days is another reason to give me pause and reflect on where I am now and what I would ultimately like to do with the life I have before me.

One major positive change I can report since my last entry is my procurement of a "new" car. The car isn't exactly new. Indeed, it has over 200,000 miles on it. It is a 2000 Subaru Legacy. The car was essentially gifted to me by a friend of a friend. I picked it up yesterday and drove it home from work. It had been over four years since I had a car of my own. My last vehicle was totaled on a rainy morning in Oregon in March 2011. I am fortunate that I was not 'totaled' with that car.

I actually felt a bit emotionally overwhelmed at one point yesterday. I felt so grateful to be the recipient of this unexpected generosity that I nearly began crying. The tears would have been inspired by a mixture of joy and relief. I feel relieved that I have managed to overcome the many difficulties I experienced in the last two years. I also feel relieved that the intense grief I was once feeling has significantly eased. Though I still do feel sadness on occasion the burden of my sadness is nothing compared to what it once was. I no longer really feel myself at significant risk of my sadness mutating into a black depression.

I also feel joyful these days. This blog I began writing twenty-six months ago has been but one piece of a puzzle whose assembly played a vital role in the restoration of my health. In meeting with a dietitian recently I describe my dedication to writing as ultimately resulting in the creation of a rope that I used to climb out of the abyss I felt myself in back in 2013. All the words I have written here, were they to be laid out end to end, symbolically created a thread that I used to life myself up and out of the darkness. When I think of this thread I cannot help but think of the story of Ariadne and the thread. You can learn more about this story from Greek mythology here.

The new challenge in my life now is no longer to heal from the deep wounding I experienced in the past. My challenge now is to keep up with the pace of the present. The many positive changes I have experienced recently all came about in such rapid succession that I have felt a bit overwhelmed by the end of many recent days. Thankfully a long weekend like the one we have now (Labor Day is on Monday) can be a good antidote to fatigue and excess commitments.

As I have noted numerous times in recent months I find myself in a time of transition. My focus in my own life has shifted. And my needs have changed. My need to write this blog has also changed. I continue to try to find some time to reflect on what I ultimately would like to do with my writing in the future. I trust this will become apparent as more time passes.


Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Contemplating A Life Of Empowering Young People

Wednesday, September 2, 2015


A new idea has been blossoming in my mind this last month. I have started to imagine the possibility of my future career having a focus on inspiring and empowering young people to take care of the world around them.

I began writing my blog over two years ago. It originally was meant to be a venue for me to express myself as I went through a deep process of purging a lot of psychic dreck. This process took quite a bit of time. I didn't really start to feel a lot better until at least six months passed after I first took a trip down the "psychotherapeutic rabbit hole" in June, 2013. Appreciating the depth of how wounded I felt by the negligence, stupidity and corruption of so many individuals and institutions was a very sobering experience. I felt sad for many, many months. I felt inspired when the one year anniversary of my blog arrived in July, 2014. I felt pleased I had been so diligent in documenting the journey of my own conscious healing. And yet I was still dealing with the fallout of all the pain from the summer one year prior to that time. Learning about 'complex PTSD' certainly was difficult. I could easily see myself writ large in the content I read.

The sadness I (often unconsciously) carried around for so many years of my life (beginning at the age of nine) began to decisively lift early this year. This is quite an accomplishment. Considering that I essentially walked about the world with a health condition that had never been successfully (ie fully) treated for some three decades (despite previous forays into therapy) it's quite an accomplishment to decisively heal in a mere two years. Indeed, I got quite a return on my investment of time slogging through the darkest of my memories.

Some would contend that sadness and depression are two words that essentially describe the same phenomenon. I would disagree. I believe there is a fine but nonetheless critical distinction between the two. Sadness is a normal experience every human can expect to experience at some point in life because sadness is so intimately bound up in loss. And we will all experience loss at some point in our life journeys.

I believe depression is a somewhat different matter. Depression is not something I think we are wise to expect that every human being will experience. Many will however. When sadness goes untreated for a long period of time I believe it can metaphorically metastasize into something as heavy and unwieldy as depression. In that sense depression is like sadness gone very, very bad. Think of something that has sat in your fridge for weeks and weeks past its expiration date. Such food is the equivalent of depression. When sadness festers for months or even years at a time it seems depression is almost inevitable.

Based on my own life history I have become convinced of the pressing need for the mental health community to develop a much greater understanding of what trauma is and how it affects people. Studies show there many millions of Americans who suffer from some mental health condition at any given time. And the more I have learned about trauma the more I have become convinced that trauma can compound existing issues and render individuals and even whole communities that much more vulnerable. I would like to see more local, state, federal and even international efforts to understand and prevent trauma. I believe the world would be a much better place if we made such a concerted effort.

Years ago, immediately after I completed my undergraduate degree, I took a significant detour and tried out the world of religious life. Looking back it now seems so strange that I did. Though I didn't remain in the religious order I was once a member of (for nearly three years) some of the experiences I had during that time have remained with me in the intervening time. I remember my encounters with so many different types of people. I worked with many populations of people who often go unserved or underserved. And one population among them was young people.

Imagining a real career working with a younger population of people has come as something of a surprise. And yet I am not the person I was two years ago. I am a much stronger, more resilient, more unshakeable person. I have a well placed confidence in my skills and capacities.

A whole new world is opening up now.




Monday, August 31, 2015

The Perditions of Power

Monday, August 31, 2015


Ten years ago today the world bore witness to the catastrophe of Hurricane Katrina. I recall the horror I felt in the days immediately prior to the storm's landfall as it became increasingly clear that New Orleans lay in the path of the monstrous storm. I can also still recall one of the National Weather Service forecasters describing the storm's imminent arrival as New Orleans having "a date with destiny". But it was a destiny made all the more catastrophic by human error. And of course the hubris of the George Bush administration only compounded the suffering of so many.

Former "President" George W. Bush was recently in the news as coverage of the ten year anniversary of Katrina's destructive landfill in New Orleans. It was difficult for me not to develop a sick stomach as I read some of the media coverage. Rewriting history to suit your own narrative of events is not an unusual tactic employed by those seeking to maintain their power. Put more succinctly: 'History is written by the winners.' Indeed it is.

The passage of ten years' time has undoubtedly softened the memories of some. But the anger and contempt directed at George W. Bush can still be discerned in the comments made on one New York Times article focused on Bush's visit to New Orleans. I remember "news" sources such as Fox News employing their typical conservative lens to essentially blame minorities and poor people for their failure to evacuate the city of New Orleans all the while conveniently forgetting the poverty that made it difficult (if not impossible) to do so. The "blaming the victim" approach can go a long way in conservative circles.

I bring up the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, the tragic response of the George W. Bush administration and the efforts of Bush's "handlers" to gloss over the horror of that tragedy as but one example of a phenomenon that has long revolted me. When those in power make colossal errors they may enjoy the benefit of others looking past these errors (or even revising events later on when accounts of past history are composed as a means of unjustifiably improving the legacy of such individuals). This "forgiveness" of past appalling malfeasance is a gift more likely to be available to wealthy, old white men who have lived lives of privilege compared to others. They can be easily insulated from the horrible consequences of their errors, stupidity and indifference.

It's the insulation available by those possessing immense power that I find truly revolting. Why? Because insulating people from the consequences of their mistakes, lies and hubris appears to be a very effective way to lead them down the path to making even more colossal mistakes later and even, perhaps, eventually becoming monsters, psychopaths and the like. I sense George W. Bush has little clue how destructive his Presidency was. How could he? With the likes of people such as Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld close to him how could he have an objective view of his destructiveness? Such can be the distortion wrought by wealth and political privilege. When Bush left office in January 2009 our national economy was essentially in a state of chaos and virtual free fall. Way to go Georgie!

Wealth and power may be misused to harm whole groups of people. This theme runs throughout so much of human history. And with income inequality in the United States becoming an increasing concern I can only wonder what coming years in the United States may feature.

I'll write more about this later this week.