Saturday, March 12, 2016
My "archeological dig" of the last thirty-three months has produced some amazing results. What I am most aware of now is the immense grief and sadness I was carrying around for so long. The source of my grief is, in large measure, the persistent experience of feeling unseen and having my most basic needs go unmet for so much of my childhood. Put simply, I didn't get enough attention. I was left alone a lot. And when I was in the company of others it was often a stressful experience. Such is often the early life experience of many people who grow up in dysfunctional families of origin.
Lately I have been reflecting on the notions of being selfish and selfless. I realize I had a very unhealthy habit of being selfless for much of my earlier life. But when you are selfless what exactly do you have? Who are you if you have no real self? It seems you become something like a phantom. Being selfless seems a sure path to eventual burnout, resentment and illness.
Realizing how I lived such an incredibly imbalanced life earlier in my life has been rather horrifying. Pulling myself back and seeing in such a clear way just how "selfless" I was has, in some way, intensified my grief at times. But it seems this is just a natural part of the process of healing. To become truly healthy individuals capable of loving relationships, meaningful work and stable living we must learn to look at our own personal wounds and darkness.
I plan to continue writing about my journey here. And I appreciate those who are sharing my journey by following my blog.
My "archeological dig" of the last thirty-three months has produced some amazing results. What I am most aware of now is the immense grief and sadness I was carrying around for so long. The source of my grief is, in large measure, the persistent experience of feeling unseen and having my most basic needs go unmet for so much of my childhood. Put simply, I didn't get enough attention. I was left alone a lot. And when I was in the company of others it was often a stressful experience. Such is often the early life experience of many people who grow up in dysfunctional families of origin.
Lately I have been reflecting on the notions of being selfish and selfless. I realize I had a very unhealthy habit of being selfless for much of my earlier life. But when you are selfless what exactly do you have? Who are you if you have no real self? It seems you become something like a phantom. Being selfless seems a sure path to eventual burnout, resentment and illness.
Realizing how I lived such an incredibly imbalanced life earlier in my life has been rather horrifying. Pulling myself back and seeing in such a clear way just how "selfless" I was has, in some way, intensified my grief at times. But it seems this is just a natural part of the process of healing. To become truly healthy individuals capable of loving relationships, meaningful work and stable living we must learn to look at our own personal wounds and darkness.
I plan to continue writing about my journey here. And I appreciate those who are sharing my journey by following my blog.
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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!