What Will Endure?

Saturday, March 26, 2016


I went to a grief ritual last Saturday. It was quite a rich experience. Acknowledging my grief before my ancestors (my blood family of origin) is something I have done before. The necessity of cultivating a close relationship with those who have passed beyond the veil and into the world beyond this ordinary reality feels more urgent to me than ever. It seems likely that the world as I and we know it is going to radically change in the coming years and decades. It doesn't seem possible that it won't. The evidence of tremendous change is all around us.

I am feeling that very human fear of the unknown. I often feel a chaotic future is awaiting humanity. How could it not when we seem virtually destined to overshoot the carrying capacity of the planet? Are there already too many human beings living in the world? That is a good question. I would prefer to believe there could be no such thing. Couldn't we interpret a larger human population to mean there are more hearts beating in the world and therefore more love in the world? Wouldn't that be a nice equivalency to believe in! But then again more people can also be equated with more environmental degradation.  As someone originally trained as an atmospheric scientist I know all too well the arc of our species' impact on the atmosphere. We are unleashing a Pandora's Box of change upon the world given the power of approximately seven billion of us moving about the world. A new epoch is upon us. Some call it the Anthropocene. I suspect it will be the most eventful period yet for the human species.

So perhaps you may be wondering what is happening in my own personal world.

I am still on my own healing odyssey. It's been quite a journey. But I feel much better now. The grief I feel related to the deprivation and trauma I experienced in my own childhood is still inside me. But the weight of it is lighter. Will I always have some measure of sadness in my heart? It seems so. But my heart has a lot of room in it. I have space for many people, memories and dreams in my heart.

What is imperishable among all that humans have created? I would say it must be love.

The Deepening Journey

Saturday, March 12, 2016


My "archeological dig" of the last thirty-three months has produced some amazing results. What I am most aware of now is the immense grief and sadness I was carrying around for so long. The source of my grief is, in large measure, the persistent experience of feeling unseen and having my most basic needs go unmet for so much of my childhood. Put simply, I didn't get enough attention. I was left alone a lot. And when I was in the company of others it was often a stressful experience. Such is often the early life experience of many people who grow up in dysfunctional families of origin.

Lately I have been reflecting on the notions of being selfish and selfless. I realize I had a very unhealthy habit of being selfless for much of my earlier life. But when you are selfless what exactly do you have? Who are you if you have no real self? It seems you become something like a phantom. Being selfless seems a sure path to eventual burnout, resentment and illness.

Realizing how I lived such an incredibly imbalanced life earlier in my life has been rather horrifying. Pulling myself back and seeing in such a clear way just how "selfless" I was has, in some way, intensified my grief at times. But it seems this is just a natural part of the process of healing. To become truly healthy individuals capable of loving relationships, meaningful work and stable living we must learn to look at our own personal wounds and darkness.

I plan to continue writing about my journey here. And I appreciate those who are sharing my journey by following my blog.

Bearing Witness With My Mature Adult Self

Monday, March 7, 2016


I've been at work on this whole healing thing for quite a while. I finally feel that I am starting to leave behind a plateau I was on the last several months. I know the change of seasons is certainly helping me to feel that my progress continues. When the backdrop of the seasons changes in the midst of a long term healing process it can be easier to look back and feel a greater distance separates us from a particularly dark time in our own lives.

I met with my therapist this evening. I was given some homework to do. I'm tasked with the activity of imagining my mature adult self looking at the course of my life through a wall of glass. The glass wall is a metaphor. It symbolizes a separation between me and the life I had previously lived. You could think of it as the equivalent of the protective gear doctors use when following universal precautions.

I feel much better now because I have acknowledged myself for doing so well in my life despite all the challenges and hardship I experienced.

I am not exactly beaming with happiness these days. But I feel a growing capacity for enduring contentment.

The Light Returns

Tuesday, March 1, 2016


I am deep in the grieving process now. It's been a bit difficult lately considering some of the stress I was experiencing in February. I am grateful that those turbulent daily waters are now behind me. And it helps that the light is returning.

I never imagined I would virtually exult at the return of the light this time of year. But that was before I lived through four Minnesota winters. Four of them are enough for my taste. I am looking forward to a very different life by the end of this calendar year. The trees are still barren and it will be a cold night tonight but I know the inevitable end of winter is coming.

Grief is a strange and wondrous beast. Sometimes I feel positively tackled by it. Other moments I find myself feeling my grief is quite subtle. There are moments when I feel I cannot breathe. And then there are other times when deep racking sobs steal upon me so suddenly I feel positively broadsided. Dancing with grief is an unfolding education.