Wednesday, January 7, 2015
I was recently observing how much differently I feel now as
compared to this time last year.
The coldest air of the winter arrived last night. The temperature is not forecast to
reach 0 F today. And yet it
doesn’t phase me to the extent it did when these types of days dawned last
winter. When you finally begin to
successfully address the issues that pain you the quality of your life can
improve and the possibilities that begin to seem genuinely real may significantly
expand.
Having reached such a pinnacle of healing as I have found in
the last few months it’s only natural that I should begin to start seriously
contemplating the question of what I can expect to achieve in my life in the
future. What is possible? What can I achieve?
In contemplating these questions I find myself aware of my
remaining fears. Yes, I still have
fear. It doesn’t seem possible
that there are people who do not have the ability to feel fear. But it’s another matter entirely when
fear rules your life. It’s my
impression there is a lot of fear in this country I was born in. Fear is peddled in the media. It is peddled in certain churches. Some people learn to fear early in
their lives when they are still children.
I was one such child. And
now, decades later, I recognize that the best project I could consider
undertaking in therapy is the unlearning of fear.
I felt a lot of fear when I was a kid. I feared my birthmother once she began
to suffer her schizophrenic breakdown.
I feared my first stepmother once it became clear to me that she had
some serious issues of character.
And I began to fear being around my father after he survived repeated
attempts on his own life…but did not fundamentally change as a result of this
horror. I may never understand who
my father truly was. And somehow I
find myself finally beginning to come to terms with this sad truth. I am finally, finally beginning to let
go and visualize a future in which I no longer repeat old patterns of seeking
to meet my basic needs from people who have consistently demonstrated their
inability to meet them. Yes, I am
moving on. It’s a wondrous feeling
to witness such a profound transformation occurring inside me. I suppose all the psychotherapy is
working!
……
I am writing about fear today because something that appears
to be a fear is appearing as I contemplate the very real possibility of
pursuing a doctoral degree in Hawaii.
I have had this thought go through my mind that making such a choice
would somehow seal my fate as a person destined to be forever single. I have taken notice of this
extraordinarily pessimistic thought.
The capacity to consciously notice our thoughts is an important skill. At least as important is the ability to
choose whether or not we will be dominated by the thoughts that go through our
minds. Do I have to believe such a
pessimistic thought? No, I do not.
My greatest fear in pursuing a doctorate is not that doing
so will be a project beyond my abilities.
I am a capable and intelligent person. I do not fear some epic storm sweeping down upon the
Hawaiian Islands and carrying me away to a watery death among the vastness of
the Pacific Ocean (though that could certainly happen). No, my greatest fear is that choosing
such a path will somehow necessarily prevent me from discovering and
cultivating the types of rewarding relationships that I deeply yearn to
experience. But again I have to
ask myself: why do I think that?
Is there any evidence to justify my pessimistic mindset? No, not really.
Some of you who read my blog may scoff at the intellectual
jumping jacks I may be perceived to be performing. Afterall, am I not just using my mind to talk myself out of
a problem that I have allowed my mind to convince me is actually real. Am I not just living trapped in my
head? Possibly. I have been known to do that. Unlearning this tendency has been
a work in progress as well.
……
In a previous blog post I wrote about the reality that to
live and breathe and move about in the world is to be subject to the reality of
risk. Risk is everywhere. There is no safe decision. I invite my dear readers to consider
the statement I just wrote: ‘There is no safe decision’.
No comments:
Post a Comment
I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!