Can You Tell Me How To Get...How To Get to Fantasyland??

Tuesday, July 8, 2014


I have been laughing a bit recently as I recall the amount of ink spilled back in 2012 when Mitt Romney referenced the character Big Bird from Sesame Street in one of the 2012 Presidential campaign debates.  As I recall there were some hilarious spoofs and replies to Mitt Romney's words.  I still recall seeing a picture of the characters of Sesame Street all showing earnest and grim faces when faced with the potential threat of annihilation due to the words of "Mr. Forty Seven Percent".

As often happens neither Republicans nor Democrats were blameless in their behavior 'post-BigBird gate'.  If you want to see a nice article from the Washington Post about the Obama campaign's use of Romney's ill chosen venture into the realm of Sesame Street look here.

I bring up this gaffe from 2012 to make the point that our priorities here in this nation remain woefully out of whack.  How does one justify cutting children's television programming as a serious means of reducing unnecessary spending without cracking a smile in recognition of the utter shortsightedness of such a suggestion?  Some of the policy recommendations made by 'serious' politicians to cut waste in government spending are truly laughable.  As I have written previously, both in schoolwork and elsewhere, if you want to learn a lot about a nation's priorities look at its spending emphases.  Unfortunately our nation does not emphasize the care of children and their development as well as it ought to.  Too many of our nation's political elite are more willing to send adults off to fight useless wars than they are to fund educational programming that could decisively influence their development years earlier when they are still children.  I haven't looked at hard numbers for the average ROI (return on investment) for publicly funded educational television programming but I would suspect they are impressive when compared to other investments that have been made in various policy spheres.

I bring up the story of Sesame Street to also make the point that many people in this nation seem content to live in a place about as truly real as Sesame Street.  Rather than address difficult issues such people are content to look the other way and hope for the best.  It's unfortunate, though, that not addressing your problems is the surest way to...not address your problems.  I'm not saying it's always easy to address deep seated issues.  Indeed, it can be agonizingly hard (see the last year of my life as a reference).  But true maturity means not withering in the face of a challenge.  This is what separates adults from children.

I suspect Fantasyland is another term for the realm that people like Wayne LaPierre live in.  Anyone who can reduce the complex issue of gun violence in this nation to a matter of equipping 'good guys' with guns to deal with 'bad guys' with guns seems woefully out of touch with reality.  Violence, like many difficult social issues, has too many permutations to so easily reduce down that it can be successfully addressed with the metaphor of good guys and bad guys.  Are we still living in the Wild West?  It seems LaPierre thinks so.


I feel myself to be finally emerging out of my own (partly) self-induced fantasyland.  It's painful when you finally conclude that nothing will shake people out of the depth of denial that they live in.  Nothing short of catastrophe will wake some people up.  In my own personal case I think my paternal family of origin would only seriously address the issues within our family if I had committed suicide.  But that would be the ultimate betrayal I could commit against myself.  And it would have been the ultimate act of ceding my power to other people.  I am done with being a victim.  And one day I hope to be done with the hard work of unconsciously living with a victim mentality.  It takes time and hard work.  I am on my way.

Can you tell me how to get...how to get to Matureadultland?

An Interesting Phenomenon: Scrolling

Monday, July 7, 2014

I have been experiencing something the last many weeks (when exactly it began I cannot now easily recall) that seems to be a symptom of my recovery process.  It’s difficult at times to understand what is unfolding.  There are some days when I feel a bit anxious about what I experience because it seems so unusual.  Other days I feel more able to ride with the flow.

For lack of a term I am already familiar with I call what I am experiencing ‘scrolling’.  I notice these moments lately when in present time I think back on my earlier life experiences and call up the corresponding memories into my awareness.  Sometimes it is a single day I remember such as a weekend trip or a special event.  Other times I recall a whole period of time such as the summer months I worked for the National Weather Service while taking my summer break from my undergraduate studies.  I have found myself recalling moments in my life anywhere from 1983 all the way through to more recent years such as 2011.  And as I recall these different moments to mind I find a similar quality to the actual memories.  They have a dull, slightly blurred quality to them.  The ‘resolution’ of the visual imagery is not very good.

When I recall past moments of my life I also notice that my capacity to recall them now seems to be complimented by a greater strength of focus.  This stronger focus manifests like a bright light piercing a gloomy room.  So many of the memories I have lack vivid imagery.  And yet when I reflect on those times in my life now the ‘picture in my mind’ appears much brighter.  It’s as if a bright, cheery light is now making these memories more vivid in my mind even though my perception at the time I initially experienced these events was not the best.  Now that my perception is so clear the world around me often appears hyper-real….like something you would expect in a Disney movie.

This phenomenon of scrolling exemplifies one of the aspects of my journey to authentic and enduring wholeness that I find particularly challenging.  When I experience this phenomenon it leaves me pondering what are realistic expectations to hold about the process of my recovery.  It would be easier, I suppose, if there was more data out there on people whose life histories have mirrored my own.  But I seem to be somewhat unique in regards to the type of history I have.  Or maybe the truth of the matter is that I am not so very unique but that many people with an equivalent depth of trauma in their early life histories do not ultimately live out lives anywhere near as functional as my own...and so I do not see them out in society.  I think that is a valid theory to explain my experience.

......

I am finally beginning to adjust to working full-time again.  It only took me about a month of time to adjust to this greater demand on my time.  I suppose that is a good sign.

America

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Over this recent long weekend I spent some time reading a book I discovered at the home of a friend near Fergus Falls.  The book, entitled Crisis in American Institutions, contains a series of essays that explores various issues in American society.  The essays are grouped by topic and focus on a variety of issues including the capitalist model, the specter of inequality, racism, sexism, the family, the environment, the workplace, healthcare, and criminal justice.  I found myself unexpectedly engrossed by many of the essays.  Indeed, they gave me ample fodder to inspire my writing for the next many weeks.

The essays invite the reader to contemplate many questions.  Just how well is American society functioning today?  What institutions are fulfilling their declared missions?  What institutions are failing and for what reasons?  What type of meaningful reform is possible or even realistic for those institutions teetering on the brink of failure?  What are the consequences of our failure to attend to the deepest of our national issues?

Here are some instructive words taken directly from the Introduction:

Inflation.  Unemployment.  Energy crises.  Decline of the dollar.  Tax revolt.  Bankrupt cities.  Political corruption and business bribery as routine news items.  …it is no longer a secret that the American system has not worked the way we were taught it should.  When we first put this book together in the late sixties, most people who wrote about “social problems” still thought of the  United States as a society whose basic economic and political problems had been solved.  It is hard to find anyone who still seriously believes that – even among professional social scientists.  Americans express continuing dissatisfaction and mistrust about the major institutions that affect their lives.  The important question is no longer whether American institutions are in crisis, but why –and what can be done about it.

Theorists are no longer trying to pretend that there are no real problems; instead, they are seeking the causes in “human nature” or people’s genetic structure or the “population bomb”.  In the face of the deepening crises of the seventies, many people – both the “experts” and the public – lost fait in the possibilities of human cooperation, social equality and personal fulfillment.

Now I ask you to wager an educated guess regarding when this collection of essays was published.  I deliberately deleted a time reference included in the introduction I quoted above.  I am curious to learn what my dear readers of my blog might guess.  What time period in American history do you believe is well described by this introduction?  Doesn’t it sound as if it could describe the last many years in which the United States has endured ‘the Great Recession’? 

If you think these essays are that contemporary you would be wrong; the most recent copyright year of the book is 1979.  Take a moment to allow that to settle upon your mind.  I turned six years old in September of 1979.  Yes, it’s been a few years since these essays were written.  And yet they sound as timely as ever.  More than three decades have passed and yet the structural problems described in these essays seem as intransigent as ever.

Unemployment? The issue of employment and lack of decent opportunities for the American people has been a consistent theme in our discourse since the economy tanked in 2008.  And a person devoted to rigorous analysis must question how healthy the economy ever was during the two terms of former ‘President’ George W. Bush.  Bush’s foreign policy helped sustain the already mighty power of the often maligned ‘military-industrial complex’.  A recent news story crowed about how we have finally essentially regained back the number of jobs we lost during the recession.  But of course the real question to ask is what jobs have replaced the ones we lost?  If they are lower paying jobs with fewer benefits, fewer prospects for advancement built in and lower skill requirements how can we honestly proudly beat our chests in honor of our supposed economic recovery?

Energy Crises? The issue of energy in the current day is not quite the same as it was in the 1970s.  The lack of long-term sustainability of the energy policies of much of the First World in the present day is, in my opinion, the true crisis.  Despite the obvious harm now being caused to the Earth’s many systems (biosphere, atmosphere, hydrosphere, cryosphere) by the continued increase in greenhouse gases attributable directly to our predominantly fossil fuel powered global economy current and future economic development continues to plan for power derived primarily from dirty sources.  This path is simply not sustainable.  The costs our society is failing to quantify and internalize into the necessary analyses performed when long-term energy policy choices are made do not simply vanish because we do not truly account for them.  Someone, somewhere will ultimately pay the price for our (and by ‘our’ I mean to refer to the most developed, wealthy countries in the world) current energy policies.  The critique offered by the global South regarding the consequences their populations will face due to the energy choices of the global North is, in my opinion, a thoughtful, compelling and timely one.  I read such critiques while attending graduate school.  I also read some of them in my ‘off time’. 

In short, Americans, Chinese and the peoples of Western Europe consume a vast portion of the world’s global energy output and yet the waste byproducts of such energy production will inordinately harm, via the growing phenomenon of climate change, the peoples in the world’s poorest and most vulnerable nations.  People driving countless fuel inefficient SUVs are helping to drive up the water level in low-lying Bangladesh.  Life has never been fair but it seems to be as unfair as it ever was.

Bankrupt Cities? Detroit is the first present day example that comes to mind.  And Detroit is not alone.  Many cities are facing unbearable costs due to a variety of factors whose complex interaction defies simple policy responses.  The primary factors today are an aging demographic (with all the implications for different spheres of living this implies), climate change and fundamental transformations in the nature of our national economy.

Political corruption and bribery? One only need conduct a cursory review of current and recent news stories to understand this issue is alive and well.  Names that have become (or are rapidly becoming) synonymous with corruption include Chris Christie of New Jersey and Scott Walker of Wisconsin.  And then of course there is John Boehner’s recent declaration of his intent to possibly attempt to sue President Obama.  Never mind that Boehner is a typical whiny Republican determined only to serve the interests of his own party even at the expense of the rest of America.

Even where corruption itself is minimal there abound many examples of ample political and financial power being used on issues that possess only minor significance in our nation’s daily life.  One example is the ongoing hysteria regarding gay marriage that a shrinking portion of those on the political Right continues to stir up.  As the gay marriage bans in states throughout the nation continue to be deemed unconstitutional time and time again it appears fairly clear that this ‘issue’ will eventually (in a few decades?) become a non-issue.

Outside the realm of social policy there are plenty of examples of political problems.  Gun violence is a good example.  Another is the veritable impotence of our current Congress to get anything substantive done in any timely way.  Public approval of Congress has been at all-time record lows for some time now.  And yet the American people’s vehement disapproval of Congress’s performance seems to do nothing to change our current course.  The depth of Congress’s insulation from the most pressing needs of many Americans is truly appalling.  And many Americans feel powerless to reform the system.  Indeed, what can one person do?  As if on cue I found an excellent article today that examines the dysfunction of the American political system.

It sometimes seems (to me at least) that the entire structure of our society will have to utterly and completely collapse before something new and much more functional could potentially take its place.  Will this happen?  I believe it will at some point.  But when?  And how much damage will occur in the meantime?  Will our system ultimately produce a whole collection of people who, by being born ‘at the wrong time’, will find their professional lives and prospects permanently scarred by the depth of the ‘Great Recession’?  Will we eventually have our own lost generation like what happened in Japan in the 1990s?  Speaking from my own perspective I wonder just how easily I will be able to escape the ravages of the Great Recession.

To summarize, it appears life in America isn’t much better than it was in 1979.  By major metrics such as wage growth, job security, healthcare affordability and the like it seems life in America isn’t all that exciting and rewarding.  There have been some changes…but are they good changes?  We have experienced incredible advances in technology which have created notable improvements in the fields of medicine, weather forecasting, commerce and communications.  We now have mobile devices that can assist us in connecting to anyone, anywhere at any time.  And yet some people look at their mobile phones as they walk into the street and then get struck by cars.  Technology is no catch all panacea.  Technology solves some problems.  And then it creates new ones.  For excellent critiques regarding the wonders and horrors of technology explore the writings of Jerry Mander.

Since 1979 we have experienced the explosive destruction of the unexpected AIDS epidemic, the self-absorption of the 1980s in which greed was exalted as an inherently good individual and collective quality and the surprising collapse of the Soviet Union. 

The 1990s seemed to be a better decade.  Germany was reunified in 1990.  The former Communist countries of Eastern Europe embarked on a new course that tantalized its peoples with the appeal of greater prosperity and enhanced personal freedom as compared to what they had known during their time behind the Iron Curtain.  Here in America greed was exalted as a quality to cultivate in your personal and professional relations…or at least so it appeared.  I was coming into adulthood in the 1990s and, like many young men, I was still discovering who I was in a world increasingly defined by incredibly rapid change.

Then came the 2000s.  Despite how clichéd it may now sound to many the events of September 11, 2001 radically changed the global geopolitical environment.  Despite the fact that many (both domestically and abroad) challenged the United States government to respond to the events of that day in a way that did not primarily emphasize the use of the military the United States nonetheless later did invade Afghanistan. 

Our nation’s emphasis on ‘might making right’ as a primary response to terrorism seems to now be creating many undesirable consequences.  On the top of the list of undesirable results is the population of veterans returning from Afghanistan and Iraq who deeply need an extensive array of services to reintegrate into society.  Veterans themselves are not undesirables; I have spoken in support of the needs of veterans previously in my blog as well as elsewhere.  But sick, broken people do not make for a vibrant healthy populace and strong economy.  Sick people may be a boon to the healthcare economy in the short term but long term disability, unemployment and illness ultimately exert significant drag on a society.  Who wants to be sick?

In my opinion the last approximate decade of time has very much mirrored the 1970s.  I was born in the 1970s and, given the early life trauma I experienced, I have few memories of that time.  I can nonetheless make an educated comparison of our present time to the 1970s using informed opinions such as the essays I read through this weekend.

As a result of what has and has not happened these last ten years I have been left wondering just what exactly are reasonable expectations to hold…about most everything.  As America has become a deeply polarized nation according to criteria such as wealth, access to opportunity and political positions on varied issues I have felt a growing concern that the unsustainable aspects of this nation will interact synergistically in the not too distant future to unleash a degree of instability that will cause widespread chaos and suffering.  Yes, this grim concern may be at least somewhat unfounded and overly pessimistic but I wonder nonetheless.

……

Over the coming weeks I plan to continue writing my ongoing documentary of my recovery process and simultaneously intersperse my writings with some reflections inspired by the essays I read during this weekend.

Playing Detective

Thursday, July 3, 2014


I put on my advocate hat again this morning and reached out to some local staff here at Abbott Northwestern Hospital in the hope of doing a bit more detective work.  My guiding question is this: 'What is the current standard of care for people admitted to an Emergency Room environment for traumatic and/or life threatening injuries that are attributable to incidents of domestic violence?'  I want to know because the eight year old boy I was in the summer of 1982 still feels haunted by what did and did not happen in the aftermath of my father's near murder in early June.

I no longer hold out any hope that I will ever get any substantial answers from my father.  And even if he did answer my questions I would find it difficult to trust he was being honest.  Such is the depth of the wounding of my capacity to trust that resulted from this horrific incident from thirty-two years ago.  I am still working to rebuild my capacity to trust now.  I am making excellent progress but it is nonetheless a long road.

I hope to get an appointment with an ER physician here at Abbott Northwestern Hospital in the next week or two so I can enhance my knowledge about the timely issue of gun violence and what the standard of care is (at least here in Minnesota) for people impacted by gun violence who are brought to ERs for care.

I'm going to be off-grid for the next few days.  I plan to write again on Sunday.

Onward and upward!

That Sad Feeling

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Yesterday evening I completed an eventful therapy session.  I’m learning a lot about myself these days.  I am mostly recalling how much sadness I felt the summer of 1982.  That was the summer I was eight years old.  I have realized recently that I went to sleep most days that summer wondering if I would actually live to see my birthday that September.  It’s been quite a painstaking process to reconstruct the significant events of my earliest years of development.  But gradually I am piecing together a mosaic…and I am understanding how it became easy to be suspicious and cynical.

I still find myself marveling at how so much sadness could fit inside the body of an eight-year old boy.  I also marvel at how successfully I managed to dissociate myself from that immense sadness.  Now here it is appearing fully in my consciousness some thirty-two years later.  Surprise!

The days are long, the trees and grass are immensely lush and I keep awakening a bit more each day to all this dissociated emotional ‘material’ inside me.  I continue to notice this beautiful world outside my own body.  I feel deeply grateful for my clear vision.

I am taking a much needed break during the upcoming long weekend by getting out of the familiar terrain of the Twin Cities. The change of scenery will be a nice jolt.  I’ll be spending the weekend near Fergus Falls, Minnesota where I’ll likely be bombed by a cloud of mosquitoes at least once.  With all the rain we had in the month of June the mosquitoes of Minnesota will probably be biting countless residents of the state.

I recall when I once thought it was healthy to love the people within my paternal family of origin.  Now I wonder how I could have felt that way.  I have discovered a whole new landscape in my interior life.  It's a landscape I would not allow myself to explore.  It's time I did so now.

365 Days Later: When Life Gives You Lemons Make Tanks of Lemonade

Wednesday, July 2, 2014


I began writing my blog one year ago.  My life has changed tremendously.  I am in a much stronger position to take care of myself than I was a year ago.  And yet I struggle to remain optimistic that I will fulfill my biggest dreams for myself.  Why?  Because there are forces larger than any one person that are at work in the world.  These forces can be called a variety of things including globalization, climate change and the like.  While the terms are important the consequences of these forces are at least as important.  I'd like to believe I live in a nation that has a future.  But I find that difficult to believe.  The glorification of stupidity seems to be growing in this nation.  Perhaps you could call it a race to the bottom.  What is my Exhibit A?  My own life.

I am currently working a job that effectively uses no skills I didn't already have when I graduated high school.  Some would see that as pathetic.  Others might see it as necessary to simply get by in an economy still hobbled by a financial crisis which hit nearly six years ago.  Sometimes I have wished I could meet the individual people who were responsible for precipitating the crisis.  Their irresponsible conduct touched the lives of millions of people far and wide.  Some people walk around in the world not really clearly understanding the consequences of their behavior.  I prefer not to cross paths with such people.  They inevitably leave wreckage in their wake.  These are the types of people who look down at their cell phones while driving.  Such people condemn and humiliate the poor and homeless without taking any time to understand the circumstances that may have led people to endure such hardship.  Some people discriminate against others and then have the gall to wonder why others of the same background would despise them for their prejudice.

So when life gives you lemonades you effectively have two choices.  You can bemoan your fate and hurl the unwanted lemons away or you can find a use for them.  The wise, mature person will attempt to find the good in what appears to be ugly.  'Surely there must be something redeemable in this situation' such a person will think.  I am trying to be a wise, mature person.  It's difficult, though, when so many people who have no healthy concept of their impact on the world cross your path early in life. It's easy to be cynical.  It's easy to express the sourness in a lemon rather than transmute it into something sweet like lemonade.

Compared against July 2nd of last year my life is absolutely fabulous.  My musculoskeletal system is functioning well.  I am even healthy enough to potentially contemplate playing sports...though I would do so just for fun.  I do a variety of activities at the YMCA including boxing, swimming and rowing.  I am no longer Vitamin D deficient.  And most important, I am no longer still subtly impacted by the trauma of decades ago.  I suppose you could say I am actively grieving.  Some days I am more active than others.  On other days I just want to sit, do nothing and look at a beautiful summer sky.  Some days I want to be the carefree eight year old boy I wish I could have been.  But at the age of eight I was not carefree.  I was worried.  I was deeply worried.

I have become a freelance trauma recovery advocate.  I have written about my own journey for a year now.  And I plan to continue doing so.  It's nice to see it inspires some people.


Mahalo,

Christian

The Circle Is Complete: The Beginning of "Year Two" Has Arrived

July 1, 2014

Today marks the end of the first year of my blog writing.  I eventually intend my blog to serve as the seed for something much bigger.  That idea is gradually taking form now.  

Here is something I wrote one year ago today.


Monday, July 1, 2013

Since my PTSD diagnosis last week I have developed some insight into the nature of what still troubles me.  I have begun having somatic memories of the earliest years of my life in which my mother was beginning to suffer her schizophrenic breakdown.  Though I had barely any ability to form words so early in life it is nonetheless clear to me that I felt a high level of anxiety as my mother’s breakdown began.  And I realize that I was also somehow aware of the high level of anxiety and stress my father suffered when my mother’s breakdown began.  I feel that I did not get sufficient attention to develop in a healthy way. 

Since I received my PTSD diagnosis I can see that I am reframing my life and how I think about it.  One decision I have made as a result of the diagnosis is to list out my priorities and pursue those desires I am passionate about.  This led me to inquire about the possibility of meeting someone I first met on diaper-bois.com about two years ago.  I have long fantasized about being his diaper boy for a day, a weekend, a month, even more.  Unfortunately that doesn’t seem too likely now given his relationship status.  But I decided to nonetheless ask for the opportunity to meet him for a short period of time.  It is something I have wanted to experience for a long while.

That Small Matter of Opinion And Fact

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Two Supreme Court rulings yesterday added more fuel to my conviction that the priorities of this nation remain seriously out of order.  It seems religious zealots hold inordinate sway in our national discourse.  They certainly infuse the ongoing discourses regarding climate change, gun violence and reproductive rights with an element of reactivity and paranoia.  I fundamentally believe in the value of the principle of the separation of church and state.  Unfortunately there are plenty of Americans who believe installing a theocracy would somehow be a 'step up' from our current already dysfunctional system.  Many of them are blind to the parallels between the distorted version of Islam that would deprive girls of a simple education and their own version of Christianity that they believe allows them to treat women like chattel.  Is it 2014 or 1514?

Americans do not seem capable of listening to one another any more.  Whatever capacity we once possessed to engage in civil discourse appears to have been replaced by an acrimonious environment in which the 'culture wars' rage unabated and people hang out in their own political camps.  I read an article this past weekend that underscores the apparent crystallization of this 'new normal'.  It seems deep denial is now the new normal.  The article in question can be found here.

The Iraq War has been a farce for many years.  I still recall seeing the headline in the San Francisco Chronicle in March, 2003 when the war began.  I almost laughed at the headline.  It read "War With Iraq".  I found it amusing only because the headline seemed to imply that Iraq was a worthy and formidable foe.  And although Saddam Hussein was rightly called a dictator what the United States unleashed before and after the declaration of 'Mission Accomplished' was enough to make any dictator who enjoys meting out a little bit of torture bow in respect.  Whether it was the disastrous suffering witnessed in places like Fallujah or the fact that tensions have again erupted very recently it seems Iraq will be a place of chaos and carnage for a while to come.  Dick "the unquenchable dick" Cheney's prediction that the United States would be viewed as welcome liberators did not come to pass.  But then again Dick seems to live in a world where reality can intrude about as easily as it can a padded room for the criminally insane.  Here is another article that examines the perspective of Minnesota veterans as Iraq has collapsed back into chaos.  The suffering and death of American military forces seems to have been for naught.

Yesterday I also happened to come across a New York Times article about the security contractor Blackwater.  And I was not surprised to discover just how corrupt the operations of this company have been.  For those who don't like to click...here is the juicy heart of that article:

After returning to Washington, the chief investigator wrote a scathing report to State Department officials documenting misconduct by Blackwater employees and warning that lax oversight of the company, which had a contract worth more than $1 billion to protect American diplomats, had created “an environment full of liability and negligence.”

Ah yes, negligence and corruption...these are the things that pollute the fabric of American society.  I wonder where this nation is ultimately going.  I sense the populace of this nation will only realize much later in hindsight just how extremely bizarre our nation has become.  We actually had one of the nation's two major political parties attempt to shut down federal government operations last autumn and then use this partial shutdown as a form of blackmail to force the repeal of the Affordable Care Act.  Yes indeed, the healthcare needs of frequently marginalized populations (such as the elderly, those with preexisting conditions and people of color) are so worthy of contempt that elected officials will take punitive actions to realize their own short-sighted goals even if these people's basic human needs must be sacrificed in the process.  How noble!

What I especially liked about the first article I referenced is how it zeroes in on the bizarre place America has found itself in today.  A decade of political polarization has caused our national discourse to devolve to the point where we stand out as really the only highly developed and economically powerful nation to still be forced to re-debate issues like the contribution of humanity to climate change.  Unequal weight is given to the feelings of religious zealots and the rapidly growing pile of analysis and reports made possible by well executed scientific inquiry.  We have become a nation of adults who act like five year olds.  Let me ask you a question: How does John Boehner's threat to sue President Obama serve the public interest in any way whatsoever.  Could Boehner possibly behave in a more childish way.  I struggle to imagine how he could.

I chose the title for my post today because here in America it seems opinion and fact are now given a more equal playing field in the realm of the media than ever before.  And yet such a level playing field is incredibly bizarre.  Opinions may be informed by facts but they are not facts.  To conflate opinions and facts is to do an immense disservice to yourself as well as others.

Myths Relevant to the Realm of Grief

Monday, June 30, 2014


The anniversary of the beginning of my blog is this Wednesday.  My life is much, much different than it was a mere year ago.  Thankfully I have worked through a lot of the anger I was carrying around.  Now, as I have noted more frequently in posts from the last several months, the grief and sadness is what predominates my affect.  I have my moments of happiness but they are not yet very consistent.  In time I trust that this will change.  As for now I try to ride the waves of grief as best as I can.

In honor of my grieving process as well as the year anniversary of my deeper journey I offer the following listing of myths related to grief.  I myself did not create this list.  I took it word for word from a piece of material that came across my eyes last year.  I'll have to look up the source later.  As I read through the list I can see that I still struggle with some of these myths.


MYTHS ABOUT GRIEF

Talking is the only way through...
Grief needs expression but there are many ways, some of them silent


After one year, things are much better...
Grief has no timeline


Not crying is a sign of denial or abnormal grief
Crying is individual and has a lot to do with history


Men grieve one way, women another
Some people emote, others do not


Children grieve briefly, or not at all
Children grieve for a long time, in intervals and it often resurfaces at developmental milestones


Working a lot is a sign of delayed or denied grief
Distraction is a normal response to grief unless one compromises other life commitments


Going to the cemetery is a necessary ritual in grief
This ritual is highly individual and often related to family traditions


People related to each other (should) grieve alike
Each had a unique relationship to the person or event that happened and will react in their own way and on their own timetable

Scars Show Us Where We Have Been. They Don't Dictate Where We May Go

Sunday, June 29, 2014

The title for my blog entry today seems a very fitting one since it is Gay Pride weekend here in Minneapolis.  And somehow I have managed to find a clear answer to a question which was asked of me last November when I ran as a contestant in the Mister Minneapolis Eagle competition.  I recall begin asked this question: 'What do you think is the biggest challenge facing our community?'  I recall not having a good sense of it then.  I'm still developing a more educated opinion on this subject now.  But I would be willing to wager a more informed educated guess.  I believe a big problem the leather community faces is not being listened to by the broader culture (in a spirit of openness and inclusivity).  And in that regard I believe this issue is reflected in American culture at large.  We are not much of a culture that engages in active listening.

As a gay man who came of age in the 1980s and 1990s I am all too aware of the ignorance and religion inspired hatred that still fills many people's minds.  I was largely spared the suffering that consumed the lives of many gay men who were born some ten to twenty years before me.  Many of these men experienced horrific devastation as a result of the AIDS epidemic.  The suffering of the AIDS epidemic was compounded further when some within our society demonized gay people and called AIDS 'God's punishment' for 'choosing' a 'lifestyle' contrary to God.  I fundamentally believe people should have the right to form their own opinions.  And yet I shudder a bit when I think of how deeply pathological religious convictions can distort the minds and hearts of people.  It is a deeply sad experience to witness families shattered due to blind adherence to vastly different ideologies.  I have experienced this to a degree myself.  Put differently, free speech doesn't necessarily guarantee informed speech.

In the last dozen years (perhaps September 11, 2001 is the proper marker in the timeline of the United States) I have sensed a trend in our nation.  It seems we are less able than ever to engage in dialogue with one another that does not ultimately devolve into name-calling, character assassination and the like.  This concerns me.  I see vastly different visions of the future of our nation vying for prominence.  I am not sure how these very different points of view can effectively be reconciled.  A new class of Untermensch people seems to be growing in America.  This Untermensch class, in my opinion, would include the working poor, the formerly middle class, the long-term unemployed, the deeply ill and students burdened by immense student loan debt.  I unfortunately can easily fit in this category.  I wonder where we as a nation are going.  I try to be optimistic about the future of the United States.

My struggle is sometimes compounded by the fact that I can still find myself somewhat easily slip into a very cynical perspective.  And this cynicism is deeply connected to my early history of trauma.  When people and institutions repeatedly fail to meet your most basic needs it can be very difficult to not become a cynical, bitter person.

In the last few months I took up watching this show on ION television.  The show is called 'Criminal Minds'.  It's a well done show.  Just the other night the end of an episode featured one of the FBI agents proclaiming something similar to the following: 'scars show us where we have been but they do not dictate where we may go'.  I want to believe this to be true.  And I know it is in fact true.  People can and do change all the time.  Even entire societies possess a dynamism that can respond to external shocks in a healthy way.  We humans can evolve and adapt.

Gay Pride this year has caused me to reflect on my history in a way I did not anticipate I would last year.  Last year I felt positively shell-shocked at this time.  I had just been diagnosed with PTSD...and was beginning what has proven to be an eventful journey thus far.  As I have become an archeologist of my psyche in the last year I have been able to especially focus on those issues that most troubled me. Most recently I have been focusing on the year 1982.  Those who have read through my blog will know why this year is of special importance.

I have thought of 1982 in reference to the AIDS epidemic.  My understanding is that few people understood how bad AIDS would become in 1982.  The crisis was spreading at that time...but the body count of those who ultimately died (or whose lives were forever changed) was still quite low.  I have thought about how I have recently been able to begin to find true, deep release from the trauma of my early life history and how that trauma profoundly impacted my own development at a point in time that coincides with the beginning of the AIDS epidemic.  PTSD was not well understood in 1982 either.  I have been fortunate to find healing.  Many men impacted by AIDS did not find the help they needed.  The field of medicine could not and did not respond quickly enough to their immense need.

I am encouraged by my observation that the stigma of being HIV positive is also generally on the wane.    Being HIV positive ceased to be a de facto death sentence many years ago.  Stigma still remains though.  And some other developed countries show some concerning policy choices.  Russia has been prominent in this regard most recently.

I find myself still deeply evolving at this time.  My grief is not gone.  I still find myself marveling at the immense beauty of the lush greenery of summer.  

I am gradually becoming a very different man.  I am very excited about what may come to be.

A Little Inspiration for the Overwhelmed: My Letter to President Barack Obama

Saturday, June 28, 2014

President Barack Obama

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Washington, DC 20006

Dear Mr. President,

I was inspired to write to you after listening to you speak in Minneapolis.  I was not able to attend any of the functions during your visit to Minnesota but your words on Friday, June 27^th prompted me to write to you.  I write to ask for your help.  I suppose you could call me a man who grew up middle class (albeit in a highly dysfunctional family) in Texas.  I left the state after completing my undergraduate degree at Texas A&M University.  I left partly due to the very conservative politics that predominate in that state.

First let me speak to your efforts to make our healthcare system more equitable and accessible.  Thank you for your efforts.  I would perhaps be out on the streets now if I didn’t have Medical Assistance insurance by virtue of my residency here in the state of Minnesota.  I briefly became very sick last summer; near the end of June, 2013 I was unexpectedly diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  This came as an immense surprise to me due to the fact that I had done therapy earlier in my life to address issues of trauma from my very early childhood.  I am much healthier now and am finally working again.

I also wanted to write to you in regards to the economy.  Thank you for your efforts to restore the health of the American economy.  I only wish the recovery was providing more benefits to me directly.  I have an extensive education and professional history; I completed my second graduate degree in international environmental policy at the Monterey Institute of International Studies in 2011.  I briefly lived in the DC area in 2012 in the hope of launching a career within the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.  That unfortunately did not happen.  I have since decided to refocus my career search.  I have attached my resume in the event you would like to look over my background.

I do wish that the Republican party would offer some viable and realistic proposals for strengthening the American economy.  Instead the GOP seems to have become the party of the wealthy, for the wealthy and by the wealthy.  I have nothing against wealthy people but I do find the distortion of the public policy process by the influence of special interests (often made possible by the influence of money) to be ridiculous and highly contrary to the spirit of a supposed democracy.  I think the issue of gun violence is a good example of how special interests are undermining the stability of our nation.  And this brings me to my primary reason for writing.

I have alluded to my ongoing recovery from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I experienced a significant amount of trauma in my early life history.  Mental illness and domestic violence were prominent issues.  My first stepmother attempted to murder my father.  One of the murder attempts was made by a teenager with a gun.  Due to her own inappropriate conduct and corruption in the local police department of the suburb I grew up in my former stepmother was never prosecuted for her criminal activity.  To my knowledge the hospital where my father was admitted after being shot (Parkland Hospital) did not do any thorough assessment of my father’s mental health prior to his discharge.  I am of the opinion that someone attempting to murder you can potentially quite easily cause someone to develop PTSD.  I suspect the hospital was not more proactive or thorough in its care because it was 1982 and this occurred in Texas.  Texas has never been especially known for its highly progressive social policies.  To my knowledge the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services also failed to fulfill its duty to ensure my protection and safety.  I was returned to my father’s custody.  I have never found my father’s way of dealing with hardship and trauma to be very healthy.  I am thus still working out the harm of my un-chosen early life history in my own time.

I write to ask that you please advocate on behalf of the children of this nation to improve policies that directly affect their basic safety, nurture, family stability and future prospects.  If a number of institutions had performed better back in 1982 I might be in a much better place now some thirty-two years later.  I try not to be bitter, cynical or angry.  But healing can be a very challenging journey.  And I am doing my healing with essentially no support from my paternal family of origin.  As I noted previously I am very fortunate to have my health insurance.  I find those who would deprive other Americans of the basic protection of healthcare to be highly irresponsible and even amoral.  I believe health care is a basic human right.

I would appreciate anything you could do to help me directly as well.  I am currently trying to understand why the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services failed to intercede on my behalf after my father was nearly murdered.  I may never have certain questions answered.  I will have to go on with my life nonetheless.   As the President of the United States you have a special and powerful role to play in ensuring American children will have good futures.  Please do not forget stories like my own.  Let stories such as my own inform and inspire your commitment to serving the needs of all Americans.

I write a blog in which I document my own recovery from trauma.  You are welcome to read from it and share with others.  The web address is below.

Sincerely and in good faith,

CW

Web: http://bcwellkamp.blogspot.com

The Gap of 1982. That Question of Appearances and Realities

Saturday, June 28, 2014


I cannot really remember when I turned nine years old.  That was September 14, 1982.  I wish I could recall more from that year.  I have spoken about that with my therapist recently.  My memory of that year is so vague.  I recently remembered some of the predominant feelings I had that summer.  I feared that I would not live to see September 14th of that year.  I had an unhealthy fear that my former stepmother or her friends might somehow come back and harm me or my father.  What a burden that was to bear.

It's a little surreal to realize now, some thirty-two years later, how much of my sadness sat within me and lingered.  Deep sadness so early in life can profoundly impact our future development.  It seems that in my case the excessive sadness and attendant feelings of loneliness and alienation effectively resulted in a big, dark space in my memory.  I simply cannot recall much of anything for a period of approximately eighteen months from June, 1982 to December, 1983.  I recall December, 1983 well because our backyard swimming pool frozen over in response to a highly anomalous siege of cold weather.  It seems I cannot remember that time period because there wasn't much of anything worth remembering.

So why am I talking about the 'gap of 1982' so many years later?  I am concerned something similar may occur now though not due to the horror of trauma.  I am essentially asking a question about how human memory works.  Can entire years of your life be effectively blank in your memory if there isn't much of anything in that time period that was worthwhile to remember?

I've been thinking about memory lately because, though my life does appear to be improving now, I find my current work highly tedious and boring...for the most part.  Yes, there are occasional high points.  And I do feel the pride of a job well done when I leave each day.  But my current job doesn't challenge me in the least.  And in that regard my current work simply continues a theme that has gone on too long.  I have not really had a rewarding professional life, that also suitably compensates me, in years.  I keep trying to move beyond these limiting circumstances but my efforts don't seem to be bearing much fruit...yet.  I try to be patient but some days my patience feels as if it is running a bit thin.

What I am essentially talking about is an unintended descent into anonymity.  For better or worse I find myself asking one of those deeply existential questions: When I die will my life have mattered?  How will people remember me?  Yes, these are deep questions...and yes it's not always wise to get enmeshed in such deep thinking if doing so only leaves you feeling deflated and uninspired.  But it's difficult to avoid asking these deeper questions.  In my opinion it isn't wise to avoid these thoughts altogether either.

......

It's a humid, windy morning here.  We seem quite likely to surpass the record for the wettest June ever recorded.  But at least the days are long.  The perils of the summer season are nothing compared to the perils of a Minnesota winter.  The specter of flooding is far less threatening than that of blizzards and bitter wind chills.  Anyway, it's time to get my day started!

Cheers!

Cynicism: A Refuge of the Deeply Wounded

Friday, June 27, 2014


A recent conversation with a local guy has inspired me to more firmly dedicate myself to maintaining a positive attitude...come Hell or Minnesota high water. As I have experienced both lately I think this will be an interesting challenge.

In the spirit of the challenge I am going to share a positive thought each day in my blog...and some days also on here. Here is today's thought:

"I can include diverse perspectives in my worldview that will enrich my own life and the lives of those around me."


Now for a jump back into the darker side...

My grief swells and contracts much like the lungs within our bodies.  I know my long-term trend is towards improvement but the journey of recovery to true and abiding wholeness is never a straight line. There are peaks and valleys.  Right now I am feeling myself in a valley.  I suspect it's partly due to the fact that I just completed another week of full time work that felt fairly unsatisfying.  Yes, there are moments of pleasure I can take in each day but yet again I find myself in a position that doesn't challenge me.  This has been true for too long.  I am doing everything in my power to change my circumstances.  But as my yoga instructor Myra just said 'Change doesn't happen overnight'.  It certainly does not.

It's a beautiful time to be in Minnesota.  And I feel so immensely sad.  Or is it grief?  Some days they seem to mimic one another effortlessly.  And I suppose the pain I feel is also deeply related to my confusion.  I feel confused as to how I could keep telling myself for so long that my deepest, darkest feelings inside were not true...that it was not really that bad.  And yet it was.  My feelings of alienation, sadness and disgust were truly that bad.  Once the veneer of anger disintegrated after I had been in therapy for several months I found myself digging into the next layer down.  And that layer contained all these varied affects...sadness, grief, apathy and resentment.

This is the end of my third week of working full time.  And the week prior to these three I effectively worked almost full time.  So I have been working full time for a month now.  I had not done that in about a year.  As I have noted before it's simply going to take me more time to continue to heal.  It doesn't happen overnight.  But it is happening.  The changes are unfolding and I feel better with each passing day.  I only wish I had experienced this Grand Awakening earlier in my life.  But that is the grief within me speaking.

.......

There is still within me a subtle voice of fear and mistrust that rises up in me.  I notice it on occasion when I am having a particularly good day.  Sometimes the fear appears in the form of a thought such as 'I wonder if there is a car out there with my name on it'.  And I do not mean a car out there I am about to purchase.  I mean a car being driven by a reckless driver that is going to somehow find its way into my own life and, in crossing my path, bring chaos, disruption and pain.  In other words, I feel resentment and fear living in a society with so much reckless and unaccountable behavior.  I have already had a car of mine totaled once in my life.  Luckily my own body was totaled.  But it could certainly happen again.  Yes, I know this is quintessential gloomy thinking but such thoughts pass through my mind on occasion.  Sometimes my life has felt like an immense farce.  Just when everything seems to be finally improving it seems I almost expect something to go wrong.

The spike of stress I experienced earlier this week after hearing a coworker confide of her recent attempt to commit suicide reminded me, yet again, that life can be exceedingly tenuous.  What is here today may be swept away by tomorrow morning.  I want some real stability in my life.  And it has eluded me for so long.  My response to her disclosure has even left me wondering if there is perhaps more hidden in the darkest recesses of my psyche that still needs some healing and cleansing illumination.  I couldn't help but wonder if my mother expressed more violent behavior of a suicidal or homicidal nature than I can consciously recall even now after a full year of weekly therapy.

In fact, as I write this, I recall this memory of the glass from the front door of our home sitting in the swimming pool equipment shed in our backyard.  I have this dim memory of my mother throwing rocks at the front door of the house and thereby causing the glass to shatter.  I cannot even recall how old I was.  As I think back on that memory I feel some sadness and discomfort now.  I suppose this means there is still an emotional charge connected to that memory.  And I suppose that may indicate that some additional EMDR therapy could prove quite helpful.

At times my sadness feels very smothering.  In those moments I remind myself to take a breath and realize I am no longer in that time in my life.  I am here, thirty years later.  That time is gone.  I can heal the immense harm I experienced.  It is possible...and I will do it.

A Calmer Day

Thursday, June 26, 2014


Today is a much more mellow day.  For this fact I am most grateful.

The highlight of my day thus far has been my follow-up appointment for vocational rehabilitation services this morning.  It appears I am about to enjoy a torrent of supportive referrals.  I also met with my lovely physical therapist this morning prior to my vocational rehab appointment.  All in all it's been a good day!  It's not even snowing, raining, hailing, flooding or windy outside.  Last night the temperature was ideal for opening the windows and allowing fresh air inside.  I slept wonderfully well.

As if I needed a sign that yes indeed life can become more enjoyable and people can and do heal I unexpectedly encountered a woman on the bus this morning whom I first met last year when I was still in the very early stages of my recovery process.  I met her through the Resilience Training program.  The Resilience Training program is offered through the Penny George Institute for Health and Healing.  I learned about the Penny George Institute last summer when I was coming to Abbott Northwestern Hospital for my own health care.  I felt empathy for this woman's situation as she had also been affected by trauma.  She appeared much better today when I saw her on the bus.  And it was interesting to learn she came across the scrap of paper I wrote my blog address on last night.  Apparently it had been lost for all this time.  The universe works in interesting ways.

I am still adjusting to the reality of life featuring full time work.  It feels a bit overwhelming at times.  I am in a much, much better psychic place compared to last autumn.  Sometimes it can take quite a while to tear down much of the former infrastructure of your life and start anew.  It's a deep process that requires mindfulness, patience and endurance.  Thankfully I am capable of all three.


I am aware that something profound is still unfolding within me.  When I disembarked from the bus this  morning for my first appointment I noticed the leaves flittering in some nearby trees.  The beauty caught my eye.  I felt briefly enchanted.  Enchantment is, I think, nearly the antithesis of depression, anxiety and dissociation.  Enchantment necessarily implies a deep participation in and awareness of the present moment.

......

And now a brief post-script for the evening.

I was disheartened to receive an email reply from the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services today in which I was essentially informed there was nothing anyone within the Department could do in response to a question I posed in my initial email.  I wrote and asked for the opportunity to speak with a knowledgable official within the department about what role the department 'should' have played in protecting me in the aftermath of the attempted murder of my father in 1982.  In my opinion a number of institutions failed to attend to my most basic need for safety.

I have never been able to find the closure I have desired to find regarding this tragedy that caused me such grave harm.  I suppose I will have to find a way to move on and just allow the unanswered questions...to remain.

Year Two Begins

Wednesday, June 25, 2014


That sweet day has arrived.  The end of my first year of active, fully conscious recovery from PTSD has arrived.  Now begins Year Two.  I am rewarding myself with a flourless chocolate cookie at Starbucks in downtown Minneapolis.  I survived today!  And it wasn't exactly the day I was expecting. It was a much more stressful day than I had planned it to be...not that we can always easily plan how much stress will enter our lives...

Today I had a coworker confide in me about a recent suicide attempt.  I could almost see red sirens go off in my brain with the phrase "Red Alert!" intoning through all of my brain cells.  The scariest part, though, was that I didn't immediately call my off-site supervisor with the agency that placed me in my current position to report this.  As I recall about an hour passed before the thought went through my mind: "What are you doing?  Call your off-site boss now!"  It's almost as if I dissociated and didn't allow myself to think about the full range of implications if I had said nor done nothing.  And that scared me a bit.

I now find myself wondering if my co-worker might find a way to read my blog.  I very briefly connected with her on Facebook.  It's very possible she looked through my page and found one of my older blog posts linked on my Facebook profile and thereby discovered my web address in the short time I was connected with her before I severed the connection on Facebook.  I hope she believes that my decision to report my concern was done with her own welfare in mind.  I provided her three different referrals to mental health care professionals this morning.  I sense that is probably partly why she then confided in me...she trusted that I was a kind, thoughtful person.  I do my best to be...even when others have unjustly demonized me.  Cruel, malicious gossip has a way of destroying lives and reputations.  I've had enough stress in my life.  I just want to find love...and peace.

I found it a bit weird that these events that unfolded today occurred today.  Of course then again they might not have if I had not disclosed to my co-worker that today was the anniversary of my own unexpected diagnosis.  Again, it's a matter of boundaries.  I recognize a lot of my own life experience and issues in what she shared with me...namely being subjected to life in a highly dysfunctional family in which individuals are deeply immersed in highly self-destructive behaviors.  You never know what you might receive in reply when you open your mouth.  Exhibit A as evidence for this truth: June 13, 2013...the day I spoke at an annual meeting and unintentionally 'provoked' a backlash the likes of which left me in a psychic daze for weeks.  It's no surprise that last year on this day I felt like I was going to fall apart.  But then again my life *was* falling apart.  Despite all my efforts to heal from the pain of my earliest years of life it was apparent I still had not succeeded.  More therapy was indicated.  So yet again I jumped back in.  And now here I am a year later.

It's obvious to me that my life is vastly better than it was a year ago.  For one, I am in treatment.  Two, I am no longer depressed.  Three, my physical health is much better.  Four, I am working.  Five, I haven't given up trying to realize my deeper, longer term goals.  Six, I have made new friends.  Seven, I am working through my immense grief...slowly but surely.  Eight, my sense of self is becoming much less distorted.  Nine, my eyesight is amazingly good.  Ten, I don't dissociate unconsciously.  Eleven, I don't tolerate abuse from others.  Twelve, I am still a kind man.  Thirteen, I am still generous when I can be.  Fourteen, I know I will in fact survive the loss of my entire paternal family of origin.  Fifteen, I still appreciate beauty.  Sixteen, I notice myself 'tuning in' to beautiful music in random places.  Seventeen, I appreciate the beauty of men as I never have before.  Eighteen, my courage is undeterred.  Nineteen, I am still willing to help other people.  Twenty, I can still smile.

That I could rattle off twenty things to be grateful for so quickly tells me that I am indeed moving in the right direction.  It just takes time.  Maybe I'll live to 105.  Maybe I will die tomorrow.  But at least I am making peace with my past and present one step at a time.  I am dreaming again and looking forward to what I can still create.

I have definitely been in what Richard Rohr calls the "Second Half of Life".  It began one year ago today.

I have a feeling Year Two will be a lot better!  That is certainly my intention.  I have never felt so good.